Tu be'Av and today's Shidduchim System

Seen in Jerusalem

Photo: Miriam Woelke

B"H 

Yes, I know, the Jewish "Valentines Day" Tu be'Av  already took place a week ago, but I still would like to discuss a rather critical thought of mine. 

The background of Tu be'Av can be found in the Talmud Tractate Ta'anit 26b where Rabban Gamliel states that there are no more joyful days in Judaism than Yom Kippur and Tu be'Av. 

The three weeks before Tisha be'Av and the 9th of Av itself were days of mourning and fasting. Not necessarily mourning about the destruction of the two Temples but that there hasn't been built the Third Temple yet. Meshiach has not yet arrived and we all should remember and pray for the speedy Meshiach's arrival and the Ge'ulah (Redemption). 

On Tu be'Av (15th day in the Jewish month of Av), young single women and men used to go out into the fields / vineyards and meet. The women would dress up in white and the men usually couldn't see who is rich or poor, as every woman was dressed up in similar clothes. This is basically what the Talmud states.Today we would probably call it a huge blind date where single Jews meet but where men don't know whether the woman has money or not, but just make their choice by looking at them. Maybe this also doesn't sound too fair, as there are beautiful women and less gorgeous ones. 

However, this wasn't too much of my thought but rather today's reality. Can you really imagine that, today, single Jewish men would just go to a huge meeting and choose their future spouse ? Lets have a look at Shidduchim reality:

Is it, realistically speaking, possible that a son or a daughter of a Rebbe or Rabbi would go out and look for a simple woman / man as a marriage partner ? For someone not coming from a rabbinic family ?

Could it be that a concert marries a great Posek or that a simple Yeshiva student marries into a distinguished frum family ? That someone handicapped doesn't get an also handicapped Shidduch ?

Lets assume that, on Tu be'Av, everyone goes out in the woods in order to find his spouse. That would be just great but I don't really believe in that kind of a dream. There may be exceptions but the majority is mingling with each other. Too much reputation is at stake. Let alone all those DNA tests in haredi society. 

But don't make the mistake that it is only haredi society going according to strict society rules. The national religious are widely the same when it comes to Shidduchim.

Conclusion: Equality would be wonderful but still remains a dream ! And, by the way, I learned that even in the days of King David, Jerusalem was divided into a rich part and the lower part of town used to be the quarter where the poor lived. They even had their own market.

Shidduch Call

B”H 

While I was trying very hard being a member of haredi society, different haredi friends were trying very hard getting me into their Shidduch “programmes”. I, on the other hand, wasn’t too interested, as I had enough difficulties managing my own daily religious life. As a Ba’al Teshuva (newly religious) you are mainly focusing on your own actions and I found it too hard listening to on another person whining. I have had enough problems with myself and didn’t want another person around telling me his difficulties in life. This way, I always escaped any Shidduch attempts successfully. 

Once I had two and sometimes three other female Ba’al Teshuva flatmates, and all of them were extremely busy finding their right match. One evening the phone was ringing and I answered. Another Shidduch guy was calling for one of the flatmates. I told him that she is not at home and he can call again later. 

I was about to hang up but he started asking me how this particular flatmate looks. If she is thin or fat, tall or short and what I think about her. Actually I found that quite disgusting and told him that he can call and ask her himself. 

“So, how about you”, he continued. “Are you looking for anyone ? Would you like to meet me because you sound interesting ?” 

I just hung up and didn’t tell anything to the flatmate who, later on, went out to meet that guy. 

By the way, it didn’t work out between them anyway. I was just surprised about the Chutzpah of this guy. Maybe I should have asked him whether he is thin or fat but one thing I can tell for sure: He was definitely stupid.

Germans in haredi Society

Seen in Jerusalem

Photo: Miriam Woelke

B”H 

Hatred towards Haredim got much worse due to the anti - haredi media reports from Israel: The vast majority of today's German population doesn't know any Jew. Not personally but from TV reports. There aren't any Haredim in the country except for Chabad (Lubavitch) and a couple of Litvaks. Do Germans see or know any Haredim in their country ? No. Even German Jewry hardly knows any Haredim beyond some Chabadnikim walking around but many of them think that this is haredi society. Whoever wants to learn about the real haredi society has to move to New York, New Jersey, London, Manchester, to Zurich or Vienna oder simply to Israel. And in those places, it is not enough to walk through haredi neighbourhoods (Example: Golders Green in London) but one has actually to become part of haredi society. 

For almost two years I went to a litvishe Yeshiva. The correct Hebrew expression would be “Michlalah”. I had already left the Yeshiva and, due to very personal reasons, distanced myself a bit from haredi society, when I got to know a young German woman living in Jerusalem. It happened, more or less, by accident that I met her. Although many of you will now tell me that there is nothing like "by accident" in this world, as everything is "Hashgacha Pratit". However, the young woman was German and had converted to Judaism. In Germany and not in Israel. 

After her conversion she moved to Israel and started studying in a certain women's Yeshiva in order to learn more about Judaism. I don't want to mention the name of the institute but I can say that it was Litvish. I myself went there for a few days but decided that it wasn't for me. Not the mentality and my desire was getting into higher Jewish studies such as Gemara. That particular Yeshiva didn't offer any talmudic studies and eventually I ended up in a different institute but also run by Litvaks. 

Israel's haredi world doesn't only consist of ultra - Orthodox Jews being born in the country. On the contratry, as many Haredim have moved to Israel from abroad. Many have officially made Aliyah with "Nefesh be’Nefesh”. Haredim from the United States, Canada (especially from Toronto), South Africa, Britain or Australia. Generally speaking, there is a difference between those Haredim being born and raised in Israel and those coming from the Diaspora. Some may get the idea that Diaspora Jews moving to Israel are more modern and haredi "light". Even Israeli Haredim consider Diaspora Haredim not as strict and traditional as them. Example: The Israeli girl's school Beit Yaakov differs a lot from those in London or New York. 

The differences between those two haredi groups also influence the Shidduch business, as you can surely imagine and, many times, it is an issue. On the other hand, I have faced plenty of situations where Diaspora Haredim where less tolerant than their Israeli counterparts. Not to forget mentioning the difference between "born Haredim" and the "newly religious Ba'alei Teshuva". But I am going to write about those conflicts later on. 

Coming back to the young woman: I was quite amazed when I realized that she had turned into an American copy. Usually Jews moving to Israel turn into Israelis. At least those who make an effort of being part of Israeli society including speaking Hebrew. This young woman, however, became American in Israel. Not a US citizen but her mentality, way of living and expressing herself. Of course, her Yeshiva was the main reason for the transformation. The institute offers programmes in English, Hebrew and, as far as I know, also in French and Spanish. The young woman participated in the English programme and lived with Americans in the dorm rooms. 

As life goes on, a member of haredi society needs a spouse and thus, the Shidduch process is taking place. The young woman is looking for a marriage partner and, as I assume, it should be an American Litvak living in Israel. However, as a German convert joining haredi society, it isn't that easy finding a American Haredi Shidduch. Why ? Because haredi society as a whole has neither forgiven nor forgotten the Holocaust. Meaning that the grandparents of the German convert may have voted for Hitler or somehoe interacted in with the Nazi regime. Let alone of being an SS - member. By the way, I heard that a descendant of Heinrich Himmler married an American Jew. The son on Holocaust survivors. 

The Germans have murdered several 100,000 Jews during the Holocaust and after the War was over, many Eastern European and German Jews not only moved to Palestine (Israel) but to the United States. Especially to New York. They escaped the Nazi terror and gas chambers and suddenly their grandchild is walking in with a German Shidduch ? 

Actually there are other ways of getting to know Haredim and people don't only marry because a Shadchan or Shadchanit is introducing them. Other ways may not be so accepted but they do exist. For instance: A couple may meet on a bus or at a family celebration with friends. Or may be introduced by friends. Furthermore, Haredim of Sephardi origin don't necessarily have the Holocaust history in their family although many Sephardic Jews got killed when the German General Erwin Rommel invaded the northern countries of Africa.

A Chassidic Guide to Love, Marriage and Finding a Bride

Female Converts and their elderly male Shidduchim

Seen in Bnei Brak

Photo: Miriam Woelke

B"H

Friends of mine, no matter if female converts to Judaism or Ba'alot Teshuva, were always facing one problem when it came to the SHIDDUCH subject: The Shadchanit (match maker) told them about their chances "on the marriage market" and, many times, they weren't that great. My friends ran to all kinds of Shidduch meetings and plenty of times they came back and told me that the guy they had just met was 20 - 30 years older than them. A 30 - year - old woman looking for a Shidduch found herself meeting a guy who was 54 years old.

"Why did the Shadchanit put me together with a guy who is divorced, old and can hardly move ?"

I have heard these kind of complaints many various times.

Here is a still young woman who has just converted or became frum and the Shadchanit is first of all trying to get rid of her "looser cases". Guys who, so far, weren't able to find a match. Either because they have been divorced more than once, are in deep dire straits, handicapped or mentally ill. Years ago I heard about a younger Israeli Ba'al Teshuva woman who married a widower with ten children (his wife had died).

I find this a kind of unfair but the Shadchanit usually says that "one has to get to know the guy and then women may change their minds and go for it".

A little more than half a year ago, I met a couple in Zfat and the meeting was quite shocking to me. The couple spoke German but didn't know that I know the language as well. When we communicated with each other, we spoke in English. First, we didn't know that we have another common language and secondly, I don't like speaking German.

The first time I saw them was at a Shiur where the husband introduced himself as a school director of a religious school in a German speaking country in Europe. I knew he was lying because the way he said it just wasn't right. He was Israeli but spoke German with an accent. Moreover, he was at least 50 years old. If not in the middle of his 50ies.

His wife was maybe 24 but not older. I am sure she had converted to Judaism and afterwards received him as a Shidduch. The Rabbi giving the Shiur was a bit stunned and I assume that he thought that father and daughter had come to the Shiur. Instead the couple turned out to be husband and wife.

Later on, the couple was sitting somewhere nearby and while I was busy with my laptop. The young wife started telling her husband to look for a job. To do something in his life and not just hang around. They needed to pay bills, she wanted children and what does the husband do ? Nothing but doing his Breslover Baal Teshuva Tikkunim.

In the end, the wife threatened to leave him and although I didn't want to listen to all this, you automatically do when you understand the language.

I was just surprised that this very young German woman had agreed to marry this much older Breslover Chassid. He probably thought that he can push her around and tell her what do to. In a way he did so but she was very determined and refused to agree to everything he said.

She definitely wanted to be frum but I was asking myself whether she doesn't get the wrong impression while being married to a guy who didn't intend to change but told everyone how great and successful he was. He did so in Hebrew and his wife only understood German and English. Therefore he was able to get away with his lies.

The couple didn't have much money and only stayed in Zfat for another two days or so. They were planning to go to Jerusalem, sleep somewhere for free and then return to their German speaking country in Europe.

I felt sorry for this extremely young woman who may have deserved a younger, more energetic husband. Maybe the woman is happy but I am having my doubts if a young woman should marry an elderly Shidduch.

On Parshat Bamidbar and People running after outside Appearances

B”H

In his commentary on this week’s Parashat Bamidbar, the Chatam Sofer (Rabbi Moshe Schreiber, 1762 – 1839) quotes from the Midrash Rabbah stating that Har Sinai and Har Hamoriah are two opposites. Both mountains are not the highest and mightiest in the world but G – d chose Har Sinai for a special purpose and after the purpose was done, Har Sinai lost its holiness and became an ordinary mountain again. Har Hamoriah, on the other hand, has never lost its special meaning and the presence of G – d’s Shechinah. Although there is no Temple at the moment. 

G – d chose Har Hamoriah for a special mission. As we know, creation took place from the Even HaShtiah (Foundation Stone) at Har Hamoriah. When Adam Harishon and Chava were thrown out of Gan Eden, G – d placed them on Har Hamoriah. Here, Avraham wanted to sacrifice Yitzchak and here, Yaakov had his dream with the ladder.

Couldn’t have G – d chosen a different mountain in Israel ? How about the highest mountain ?

As a matter of fact, being the highest and mightiest doesn’t always stand for the best. Just look at us humans. In most cases, the strongest looking is not always the most powerful, intelligent and modest (humbled) person. On the contrary, as He may even be strong, his brain and modest behaviour is far left behind. I personally prefer intellectual and academic people compared to these brainless musclemen. 

The same with Har Hamoriah. It is not the highest mountain in Israel and it doesn’t look like deserving a special honour and attention but G – d is showing us that everything in this world has its purpose; and the purpose of the lowest object, animal or person can even reach higher dimensions than the accomplishment of the greatest hero.

Unfortunately too many people today, especially women, tend to search for their personal hero. As soon as they meet a guy they project all their subconscious ideas and desires into the other person (their hero). Tell a woman a great story about your male hero life as a soldier, fighter, Rambo, Terminator, etc. and those women with low self – esteem make their dumb choice and go for it. This doesn’t necessarily work in a religious Shidduch or with people following their intellect. However, these women making the dummy choice and run after heros don’t always realize that the main goal why they are behaving like that is the fear of loneliness (according to psychological reports). 

Do we need heros today ?

My personal opinion is that I neither need a soldier nor a Hollywood hero. Having a successful relationship means work. I know that from my past and, unfortunately, I obviously never took the time for working on a falling apart relationship. 

Furthermore, a relationship has to be based on reality and a, more or less, common goal. For what do I need a military hero when he turns out to be a dummy and has no clue who Einstein was ? I am not running after short pleasures but concentrate on a serious relationship. Therefore those people running after the outside appearance of a person rather disgust me and eventually those people will turn out to be very lonely. 

Any person in this world has the potential of being a hero. There is no need for a uniform unless in order to attract some emotional disturbed women. 

I personally don't like the expression HERO but when it comes to it, your neighbour, the sick person suffering in hospital, the child taking care of her mother, the beggar in the street searching for empty bottles, the handicapped, the Rabbi helping the needy, a family providing Shabbat hospitality, a mother searching for food for her children in the garbage, all of them are heros of life.

Blind Jewish Shidduch Dating

Source: Frumsatire

How to find one's Shidduch (Match)

B"H

A Chabadnik gave a Shiur at "Ascent" in Zfat on "How a religious Jew is going to find his Shidduch (match)". I am not into such things and my honest opinion is that you won't get to know a person after a few Shidduch meetings. As soon as I say this, the frummies usually argue that no one ever really knows his spouse because someone always has his secret personalities.

When you go out with a Shidduch, both of you show their best behaviour and dress up in Sunday's best. Someone once told me that you have to observe how your Shidduch candidate is eating, as this tells a lot about a person. I fully agree to that ! Nevertheless, you look at the person, decide to get married but what is going to happen when you realize your Shidduch's real personality. Lets say he or she doesn't take showers on a regular basis. Wears dirty underwear or all kinds of other things. I wouldn't be able to put up with that.

Whoever is interested in what Rabbi Amram Moyal said about "Finding the perfect Match":

1. Never ever talk to your Shidduch candidate on the phone before you see the person in real !

Actually I have heard this from a few friends before: For weeks or even months, they spoke to a Shidduch candidate on the phone and finally they met. The meeting mostly ended in a desaster because while talking on the phone, you make yourself a picture of the other person. Suddenly you see him in real and then you may be disappointed and in shock.

2. Don't make your decision to marry a Shidduch too fast !

Take your time and if the couple is not able to do so, the Shadchan (Matchmaker) would be allowed to play games such as "He / She still doesn't know if he / she wants you", etc. The intention is to arouse curiosity of one of the candidates.

3. Look into the soul of a person and not only whether he / she is good looking !

4. Consider whether you really fit together according to your interests or your Rabbis (if the future spouse would go after your Rabbis).

5. Don't ever go for the idea that when a person has certain bad habits, you are able to fix the person after you get married. This usually never works out !

Issues you should consider when meeting a Shidduch

B"H

No, I am not the Shidduch type and have only participated in that kind of matchmaking twice. The first time, the guy, a New Yorker living in Israel, preferred talking about his camera. He was a photographer and should have married his camera by now.

The second meeting took place with a national religious Israeli who had studied at the Hebron Yeshiva but grabbed my hand and shook it. Thus, he seemingly wanted to show his tolerance and refrain from any fundamentalism. I wouldn't necessarily call myself a "Shomeret Negiah" but a former Yeshiva guy calling himself religious and then grabbing my hand shocked me.

I met a young divorced "Baalet Teshuva - a Jew who became religious later in her life" in Mea Shearim and she started looking for a new Shidduch. And it was her listing me two issues you should consider when you go to meet a Shidduch.

1. Pay attention if the guy is tight - fisted. Just in case he wants you to drink a small espresso instead of a large ice coffee or cappuccino.

2. Pay attention to how he / she eats. 

Making incredible noise while eating a bowl of soup or stuffing a whole chicken into the mouth. In other words, the Shidduch should not eat like a pig !

The woman told me that those issues can tell a lot about the Shidduch's character traits. However, when you meet the Shidduch for the first time, it is very unlikely that you eat. First you start those meetings by having a small cup of coffee until you, after two or three meetings, finally eat. The guy should pay !

However, even if you only get to the first cup of coffee, watch out how you "partner" is going to handle it. And in case he is a Baal Teshuva, don't let him scream out his blessing in order to impress you and all the others. 

My first Shidduch, the guy with the camera, told me to get a Jewish education by reading "The Book of your (our ?) Heritage" whereas I told him to learn Hebrew after ten years of being in Israel and behaving like a foreign idiot. 

I am not a friend of those meetings because the subject alone drives me wild. Dealing with all kinds of "failures" until the right one may show up is nothing for my limited patience. 
Whoever is happy with meeting Shidduchim and getting married this way has my blessings but I wouldn't do so.

Eliyokim loves the daughter of the Rabbi

but cannot get her as a Shidduch due to social differences.

Today, haredi as well as national religious society works like this:

To a handicaped, the matchmaker (Shadchan, Shadchanit) is suggesting another handicaped, to a Rabbi's daughter a Rabbi's son, to a Baal Teshuva another Baal Teshuva. "Love" does not play a role in a Shidduch but rather social matters as well as reputation.

The short movie scene is in Hebrew and Yiddish with English subtitles !

Tu Be'Av - 15th Av

B"H

To many Jews, Tu Be' Av is an unknown holiday. Mourning the destruction of both Temples on Tisha Be' Av a week earlier is much more common than celebrating the Jewish "Valentine's Day" on 15th Av.

Tu Be' Av is a minor holiday (starting tonight + Wednesday) from the Temple times. Then, Jewish singles use to go out into the fields and look for someone to marry. The Talmud explains the whole procedure and compares Tu Be' Av with Yom Kippur. It says in the Mishna in Taanit 26b as well as in the Gemarot in Taanit 30b and Bava Batra 121a that Israel had no days as festive as the Fifteenth of Av and Yom Kippur.

What do have the fast day Yom Kippur and the happy day of Tu Be' Av in common ?
First of all, both days are joyful days. On Yom Kippur, G - d forgives us our sins and we are thankful about it. Singles used both days to meet each other. Single meetings on Yom Kippur afternoon were quite common in those days. People would sit and talk, as there was not much to do anyway.

The above mentioned Talmud Tractates also teach that the singles dressed up in white clothes. Each of them wore the same having the advantage that no one could tell if someone was rich or poor. Everybody looked just equal and had the same chances. The Talmud also teaches that the clothes were borrowed and, therefore, had to be immersed into the Mikveh.
According to Rashi, the white clothes had to be immersed as there might be a suspicion that the real owner did not keep the family purity laws (Taharat HaMishpacha). Then female and male Jewish singles went out into the fields finding their match.

Today, we do not necessarily go out into the fields finding someone but maybe we should still see the day as something special. In Israel it is a great day because Israelis always look for something to celebrate. They do celebrate the regular Valentine's Day but also Tu Be' Av. Remembering Tu Be' Av is even more special, as it is a day our ancestors celebrated in Talmudic times. People usually buy flowers and cook a nice meal in the evening.

Have a great and successful (finding the right match) Tu Be' Av !

New Takanot in Gur

The Gerrer Rebbe (Rabbi Yaakov Aryeh Alter, in the middle) at the Kotel

B"H

Chassidut Gur made up some new Takanot:

1. No renting clothes for festivities, 2. Reducing presents for the father - in - law and his family, 3. Reducing the costs of a Bar Mitzvah and 4. No more flowers after an engagement (for the Kallah - Bride).

The Gerrer community in Ashdod decided to go against the waste of money for festive events.

Here are some further regulations:

Finishing a Shidduch

Small party at home. No flowers. Not such an expensive watch for the groom / bride.

The Spodik (a Gerrer Streimel) has to be bought by the groom. The bride is responsible for her Sheitel (wig).

Even the costs for the "Aufruf" (Shabbat before the wedding) are being reduced. The women only have a small Kiddush and the festive meal is only for the guys.

In other words, all costs for a wedding are to be reduced !

Here you can find all Takanot amendments.

A great idea reducing all those costs. Honestly, I wouldn't buy any Streimel for my husband. Maybe this is the reason why I am not married yet.:-)

Peeping Tom

B"H

Maybe I shouldn't write about it but I was just wondering why it always seems to happen to me.

Last Friday afternoon I went to the beach in Tel Aviv before taking off to Jerusalem. On the way down Hayarkon Street I was thinking about which beach to go to. Near Ge'ulah Street with the gym or rather stay near Trumpeldor in order to catch bus no. 4 to the Central Bus Station later on.

Eventually I decided to stay near Trumpeldor and found a nice place in the shade. Right under one of those wooden huts.
Next to me were Germans and to the right some Russian - Israelis. While looking at the sea and getting some spiritual thoughts about G - d's creation together, I saw a teenage couple right in front of me. First I had only noticed the guy in his blue jeans and light green shirt. The girl was sitting behind a wooden pillar belonging to the hut. When they embraced and kissed, I saw the girl and was surprised. Maybe not too much, as in Tel Aviv, you can expect anything !

The guy was obviously secular; at least without a Kipa. The girl was Sephardi Beit Yaakov and still in her blue school uniform.
They seemed to enjoy themselves and I thought about this Israeli TV - series a while ago. Where an Ashkenazi Beit Yaakov girl from Bnei Brak fell in love with a Russian immigrant from Tel Aviv. The series was very popular even among Haredim. The Haredim watched it secretly at Internet Cafes, as they are always curious how the secular world sees them. The end of the series was disappointing because the girl finally married a Yeshiva guy and didn't run away with her lover.

The couple I saw on Friday didn't look like running away but I could see that the girl was looking for someone to understand and actually like her. Not just a cool Shidduch !
I am not saying that Shidduchim are not successful but sometimes people are looking for love and not only for common interests.

Shidduch Experience

B"H

Vocabulary: "Shidduch - Jewish religious blind date arranged in order to find a spouse".

In my entire life, I have only been to two Shidduchim and both ended without any success. When I met my first Shidduch, I didn't even have an idea that this meeting is called "Shidduch" and that the final goal is to get married. I had just entered the Jewish religious world and knew hardly anything. Then this guy sat next to me at a Shabbat table and I didn't even acknowledge him. He was just there and a simply person, I could pass on all the food trays.
At the end of the meal, however, he asked me for my phone number and I gave it to him. He further asked if we could go out for a cup of coffee one day. So, why not, I thought. I am going out with many different people for coffee and had no thought about ending up getting married.

Shortly after the guy really called and we met near Ben Yehudah. We sat in a Cafe and the entire time he talked about his photo camera. By the way, he was a photographer. Don't get any bad thoughts, as he was a religious photographer.

I tried to listen to his camera issues but almost fell asleep. Can you imagine the kind of relationship ? One bores his partner to death.
In the end, he didn't even want to pay for my tiny cup of coffee, as he didn't really have the money. He wasn't that what you would call a successful photographer but maybe on the way. Now he is back in New York, so I heard.

My second Shidduch was right after my Aliyah nine years ago. I met an Israeli national religious guy (you hardly saw the tiny Kipa on his head) who was a former student of the Hebron Yeshiva. Afterwards he got a little off - the - derech (or more religious "light") and some people thought that we would fit each other.

We were scheduled to meet in the evening, near where I had met the first guy years before. First, he shook my hand and this surprised me. I was disappointed although I am not Shomeret Negiah. However, from a Hebron Yeshiva student I had expected more. Even if he went a little astray.

We went to a restaurant and while I was going through the menu, he looked concerned. I had announced that I was really hungry because I hadn't eaten all day.

Don't think that I was one of those parasites who come to a meeting, eat as much as they can, tell the Shidduch "Have a nice day" and let him pay.
No, I was hungry and intended to pay for whatever food myself but the guy didn't know that.

What I also didn't know was that a Shidduch moves in certain stages. There are rules and I totally broke them. Today I can say that I would break them again because I am following my Yetzer (negative side) when I am hungry. I am very much attached to food, try to keep myself slim but cannot stop when I look at an interesting menu.

The common Shidduch rules are that, at the first meeting, you only talk for a little while. Having a cup of coffee is allowed but you don't eat. Food only comes into the picture later when you have already met three or four times. Me ordering something to eat may have given the impression that I was just jumping on him. Nevertheless, he shook my hand and shouldn't have been so picky.

I don't remember what exactly I ate but it was a big plate full of something. We didn't really have anything to talk about and I was bored again. No chemistry, no nothing. His e - mails had been far more exciting. On the other hand, I didn't want someone this light religious with a tiny Kipa, grabbing hands and not sure about what he wants in life. I am having these problems myself and don't need a second person not knowing what to do with himself religiously.

When each of us went home, we knew that we wouldn't meet again. It was obvious and there was no need for saying it out loud.
I just felt like yelling at those people setting me up with him. I had a good meal (I really did pay for it) but besides, it was a boring environment.

Personally, I don't believe in Shidduchim for many reasons. One is that people are too nervous, sometimes make mistakes and thus causing the wrong impression. Both sides are too busy making the best impression and this way, you won't get to know the person.

Nevertheless, there are people who succeeded this way and I wish them all the best.