Edmonton / Canada
B"H
For whatever reason you decide to become a Ba'al Teshuva. More than ten years ago, I made this decision and I don't even know why. Maybe because I was so convinced that the Torah is true and that there is nothing else beyond. My entire being was getting absorbed into religious life but after a while you realize that this is not it. No matter what goals you have, your "old" life is always following you. Your old habits going to the cinema, reading novels, talking to any kind of people, just hanging around downtown, having a beer and so on. Of course, you can hang out as a Ba'al Teshuva and go to the cinema but it is not the same, as you may start questioning yourself whether this or that is allowed or issur.
Many times I have written about the subject before and plenty of haredi Ba'alei Teshuva still ignore the significance: If you decide to become a haredi Ba'al Teshuva, your efforts are probably much higher. Especially when you live among Haredim. Then you don't only want to do everything right but also prove that you are just as good as a born Haredi. No, I am not starting again with "born Haredim will never accept you as equal" but notice one issue: Born Haredim will not necessarily provide you a Shidduch from among them, as they see Ba'alei Teshuva coming from Jewish parents who apparently didn't keep Taharat HaMishpacha (Family Purity Laws). Jewish babies born from such parents are considered to have a "blemished" soul and there "may" be something wrong with them. Their behaviour could be more vulnerable to sins then the behaviour of a Jewish baby born to parents keeping Taharat Mishpacha. Converts to Judaism following the haredi way lifestyle don't have this blemish, as they are regarded as a newborn after leaving the Mikveh.
Only a few weeks after I started the Teshuva process, I already gave up the desire of impressing my environment. I didn't care anymore and was sick of thinking what so - and - so is thinking about me and whether I am invited anymore or accepted. Other Ba'alei Teshuva just freak as soon as Mr. + Mrs. Satmar, Vishnitz or Litvish are inviting them. I didn't and this way, I got more invitations than those who are constantly trying to improve themselves and thus go on everybody's nerves.
I spoke about my weaknesses although I wanted to be perfect. I failed, went back to my former lifestyle, returned to religion, went back and forth 100,000 times. It is not only the Ba'al Teshuva suffering from a burnout but, and this really makes me freak, other Haredim driving you nuts with their non - haredi behaviour. You think that now you are in a Yeshiva, programme or among haredi neighbours and then you see some of those people behaving like pigs. Rabbis from different programmes, for instance, who just run after donations and, as soon as a rich potential donor shows up, those Rabbis ignore all of their students. I saw a Rabbi on Fridays looking out for rich people to come by to his programme. When a rich guy stepped in, he was automatically invited for Shabbat and the Rabbis was only creeping around him. Or when Rabbis simply want to be important and you have to worship him although he isn't that big Talmid Chacham.
Those Haredim really get me and then I just feel like escaping. Whether they are Ba'alei Teshuva Rabbis or born haredi Rabbis. Some of them think that they are so holy but what they do is drawing people away from Judaism due to their behaviour.
Months ago I have decided to do whatever I can and the Mitzvot I don't do ... well, give it time. It is much better to enjoy your life and be happy with yourself as pushing yourself into depression.