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When frum Jews make you run away from Judaism

B"H

There are those Jews who were born frum and they simply keep the Mitzvot because they were taught so. A young religious woman once told me that she has never thought about desecrating Shabbat because she had always kept Shabbat. Why should she have a desire for Chillul Shabbat ?

On the other hand, there are those Jews growing up secular but, later on in their lives, decided to become religious. I am not going into the subject of how religious. Lets just say RELIGIOUS. 

As a born frummie, you are used to many things and you don't even ask why you do such and such. You just do and that's it. 

All my life I have been asking and, many times, asking too much.:-) I cannot help it and just don't overlook or ignore things I see. 

There is this book "Off - The - Derech" by Faranak Margolese I am reading at the moment. Mrs Margolese makes an important but simple point: Why do quite a few young Jews run away from religion and the life of Mitzvot ? Because they had negative experiences with frum Jews. Either with their parents, their teachers, their classmates, friends or even Rabbis. 

When you are a religious Jew and see other Jews messing around or acting against the Torah, you get fed up. Religious Jews should be an example for Torah life but, in many cases, they are just the opposite. Many of them lie, cheat, steal or abuse just like anybody else. They are rude to you because you may not fulfill their expectations. Religious classmates beat each other and gossip around. 

After a while, you stop seeing the difference between G - d and those religious Jews who don't behave too religious. You don't want to be like them so you cannot be religious, as those false frummies call themselves religious. You hate everything they do. When they study Torah, you cannot. When they eat kosher, you cannot. 

It takes a lot of strength not to blame the entire Jewish religion because of the fact that various so - called religious Jews fail. You have to concentrate on G - d and not on those people. This is very hard and, many times, I am falling into this trap myself. Nevertheless, what you have to keep in mind is that those corrupt people cheating, yelling at you and making you feel like an idiot, are actually causing a Chillul Hashem. 

Why DEBORAH FELDMAN won't receive much attention in Israel

B"H

Deborah WHO ? 

Why Israelis aren't interested in another chassidic runaway ? Because we have plenty of them in our country and don't need any further reports from the United States. Who in Israel cares about Williamsburgh or Kiryat Yoel when we have Bnei Brak or Mea Shearim ? 

Israelis are definitely interested in such stories and TV series about "Off - the - Derech" cases are extremely popular. However, reports about Gitty Grunwald (Satmar) or now Deborah Feldman don't cause any interest although our left - wingers love to use such stories against haredi society as a whole. But lets be honest ? Who cares about New York ?

When I met the Gur runaway Sarah Einfeld and wrote about her, many people were interested. Maybe because Sarah was born into Gur and lots of Israeli Haredim hate the guts out of Gur. On the other hand, Sarah didn't really have any secret insights to announce but concentrates on "Why women should leave Gur or haredi society". The second thing is that Sarah comes from Ashdod and who cares about Gur in Ashdod ? Israeli Haredim asked me to find cases like Sarah in Bnei Brak or, at least, Jerusalem. This would be more interesting, but Ashdod ... 

Then another TV report made its round "Leaving the Fold" where, among others, a girl from Mea Shearim told about what happened to her in the neighbourhood and why she left haredi society. Wow, finally someone really interesting, as the girl was from Mea Shearim. Not only that but from BATEI UNGARIN, the famous Toldot Aharon, Chatam Sofer, Neturei Karta and Satmar backyard. Not a Sarah from Ashdod or a Gitty from the US but the REAL thing. This is how Israeli Haredim think and what arouses their curiosity. Let us hear some new gossip ...

Several Haredim asked me to get in touch with this formerly Mea Shearim girl because she has something to tell. I wrote to the production company of "Leaving the Fold" and was told that they don't provide addresses of the movie participants. However, I can send a request to the Israeli "Off - the - Derech" organization "Hillel". By the way, I know that "Hillel" wouldn't answer me because, as soon as they look at my blog, they may get the idea that I am a haredi spy.:-) No, seriously, "Hillel" never sent a response to some previous questions I had. 

I was curious finding out more about the Mea Shearim girl appearing in "Leaving the Fold" and asked a friend of mine living in Batei Ungarin. As expected, she didn't want to get involved and refused to give any information. It took a long time to persuade my friend but only after 1000 promises to never ever mention her name. To make a long story short, the girl from "Leaving the Fold" turned out to be a fake. If this girl had been born into the backyard, no matter into what group, and she had left in order to become secular, this may have been a story but not her being a Ba'alat Teshuva. Or, at least, her mother was and not necessarily the daughters. 

The market is flooded with different stories about leaving haredi society and how people were treated. I think that most people interested in reading such stories are those who hate Haredim. In particular, fanatic Christians, anti - Semites or even Reform Jews. Those taking a closer look and actually make a true and honest effort getting to know society will find a totally different world far beyond from Deborah's or Gitty stories. Of course, not every Haredi is perfect and there are plenty of society problems but no one should forget the thousands of people who are very happy with their lives.

Most haredi runaways have problems

Bnei Brak

Photo: Miriam Woelke

B”H 

Regarding the book of Satmar runaway Deborah Feldman (Williamsburgh): According to my experience in Israel, the majority of haredi runaways in Israel has its own individual problems. It may sound prejudiced but plenty of haredi runaways are either gay, started taking drugs, have mental problems or simply don’t want to keep Mitzvot. Only a minority leaves because they are ready to keep Mitzvot but are suffering from personal pressure. 

There is some truth in it when haredi Rabbis keep on warning their communities not to exaggerate the use of the Internet. Getting too much involved with the outside world. Especially young Haredim are curious and love to know what is going on in the outside world. Sneaking into Internet Cafes and chatting with secular girls. Many haredi community members, male as well as female, are getting carried away by the “free” outside world without realizing what they give up. Does anyone really think that the outside world understands your problems you had in the haredi society ? The outside world wants to hear stories, gossip and sensation but, as no one knows haredi society from the inside, no one wil have a clue of what you are talking about. They listen to gossip, yes, but when it comes to the point that you expect understanding and support, you are going find yourself being left alone. 

The main reason why Haredim decide leaving their communities and either become Orthodox “light” or secular is that those people neither want to be religious nor keep Mitzvot. What they want is their personal freedom without any obligations. I have seen this when I spoke to Gur runaway Sarah Einfeld. When she left the Gerrer community in Ashdod a few years ago, hundreds of people asked in forums why Sarah didn’t switch to Chabad or became national religious. When I met her, I got the answer. There is a certain point how much she lets religion into her life. For instance, she is praying “Shema Israel” with her children before they go to sleep. On the other hand, she is not willing to dress modestly, keep kosher or Shabbat. What Sarah Einfeld wants is her own life without anyone telling her what to do. 

When I left haredi society it was a lot different because I wasn’t born into it. First I thought about writing something and busting the entire society but after thinking for a while I came to the conclusion that not everything is bad. There are many great people in haredi society and I have learnt a lot. As in every society, there are good and bad things going on but one cannot only refer to the negative side. I learnt keeping away from situations making me upset and pulling me down but rather concentrate and associate with the positive side of haredi life. However, by describing haredi lifestyle in a more positive way, an author won’t make too much money. People want to read about scandals and gossip and less about the pleasure of keeping Shabbat or a happy haredi marriage.

Links:

Sarah Einfeld's Movie "Soreret - Rebellious"

News from Gitty Grunwald

Deborah Feldman - A Satmar Runaway

I have secrets too. Maybe Bubby knows about them, but she won't say anything about mine if I don't say anything about hers. Or perhaps I have only imagined her complicity; there is a chance this agreement is only one-sided. Would Bubby tattle on me? I hide my books under the bed, and she hides hers in her lingerie, and once a year when Zeidy inspects the house for Passover, poking through our things, we hover anxiously, terrified of being found out. Zeidy even rifles through my underwear drawer.

Only when I tell him that this is my private female stuff does he desist, unwilling to violate a woman's privacy, and move on to my grandmother's wardrobe. She is as defensive as I am when he rummages through her lingerie. We both know that our small stash of secular books would shock my grandfather more than a pile of chametz, the forbidden leavening, ever could. Bubby might get away with a scolding, but I would not be spared the full extent of my grandfather's wrath.

When my zeide gets angry, his long white beard seems to lift up and spread around his face like a fiery flame. I wither instantly in the heat of his scorn. ''Der tumeneh shprach!'' he thunders at me when he overhears me speaking to my cousins in English. An impure language, Zeidy says, acts like a poison to the soul. Reading an English book is even worse; it leaves my soul vulnerable, a welcome mat put out for the devil.' 

Source: Simon and Schuster/Amazon 

Rabbi Natan Lopes Cardozo: "I am taking off my Kippah"

B"H

The famous English speaking lecturer Rabbi Natan Lopes Cardozo on "Taking off his Kippah":

http://cardozoacademy.org/studies-by-rabbi-lopes-cardozo/i-am-taking-off-my-kippah/?mid=57458

I have to admit that I didn't really get whether he really wants to take off his Kippah or if his essay is a thought. On the other hand, I can imagine that wearing a Kippah binds a Jewish man to Mitzvot. And even I know from personal experience that many Jews, including myself, are more afraid of not keeping Halachot than actually loving G - d. There are many situations in my life where I am just seeing myself terribly punished for not doing this Mitzvah and that Mitzvah. Sometimes I am able to convince myself of still doing the Mitzvah because of the punishment but not necessarily because of G - d. In fact, it should be the other way around and the love of G - d should be the main focus. 

But men wearing a Kippah or a Jewish woman wearing modest clothes reminds them of who they are and to stick to the Mitzvot. There are quite a few changes in my personal behaviour, meaning there is a difference between me wearing pants or a skirt. I do accept the point that some religious Jews, although frum, don't feel comfortable when being reminded all the time. This may cause them keeping Mitzvot out of fear and not out of love. By the way, the latter stands for a much higher level.

The SEFAT EMET on Parashat VAYECHI

B"H 

One of the greatest religious problems is that people fear having a relationship with God and consequently distance themselves from Him. Just as angels serve God without fear despite their lower status in comparison to God, so too human beings should take their model (walk amongst them) and not be afraid of developing a relationship with God and serving Him. This represents a wholeness that we as human beings are capable of only if we think of ourselves as walking amongst angels. (Sfas Emes, Parshat Beha'alotecha 5636)

This particular statement from the SEFAT EMET always reminds me of my own resentment of getting closer to G – d. I do have the will and carry out Mitzvot but, many times, it comes to the point that I fall back and escape from getting too close. I suppose the reason is my fear of ending up like THIS again. And this is also the reason why I live in Tel Aviv and not in Jerusalem anymore. 

___________________________________

Photo: Miriam Woelke

One of my favourite Torah commentators is the Sefat Emet, Rabbi Yehudah Aryeh Leib Alter, 1847 - 1905. He gives an amazing insight into this week's Parashat Vayechi: 

"Yaakov lived in the Land of Egypt" (Gen. 47:28). 

With the quality of truth you can live even in the land of Egypt. Yaakov was truly alive there, meaning being attached to the root and source from which the life - force flows. Nothing in this world, not even suffering, should keep us away from clinging to the creator. No matter where we are. 

Even though he was in Egypt, he knew that the entire country was just a hiding "shell", inside which there was nothing but that divine life - force. This is why the sages say that the wicked are called dead in their lifetimes. Because they are separated from the source of life. 

Rashi says that Yaakov was about to reveal the end; the time when Meshiach is arriving. Yaakov was in his height of prophecy when he spoke to his sons before he died. But in the end, all those further prophecies were hidden from him. 

Yaakov wanted to make it clear that exile (Galut) is just a matter of hiding, and that the power within comes only from G - d. But had this been revealed, there would have been no exile at all, so it was hidden. The kabbalistic Zohar tells us that Yaakov revealed what he wanted but in a hidden way.

__________________

Source:

"The Language of Truth"

The Torah Commentary of the Sefat Emet

Translated and interpreted by Arthur Green

Link:

The Gerrer Rebbes

Meeting Sarah Einfeld 

The Sarah Einfeld Movie SORERET (Hebrew only) 

"I have never promised you a rose garden" - Rebellious women in chassidic society

Loneliness after leaving

75 % of religious runaways find their way back to Teshuva

Today's article in the Israeli paper MA'ARIV

Photo: Miriam Woelke

B"H 

There is hope. Also for me ?

According to the latest poll among formerly religious Jews who left the fold, the vast majority (75 %) find their way back to religion after a while. This is what the Israeli daily MA'ARIV publishes today.

Please note, that the 75 % stand for national religious runaways only. Nothing, whatsoever, was mentioned about haredi Chozre'i be'Sheelah (Haredim becoming secular). Furthermore, the figure mainly refers to national religious runaways leaving religion while they were teenagers or pretty young in their early twenties. 

Some years ago, when I had this haredi drive becoming part of haredi society, something just blocked me all the way. I knew the haredi was the right way, as national religious society had never meant anything to me. Nevertheless, something kept me away even from being haredi. First of all probably my former flatmate who had become a religious "Vishnitz custom keeping" fanatic. Secondly, my own far too exaggerated, expectations. My body wanted but my soul just became a mess.

For the time being, I am neither defining myself as national religious nor as haredi. I look chiloini (secular) but don't really behave this way. Fanatic seculars see in me a religious fanatic from Mea Shearim, Sima Zalcberg who spied on the Toldot Aharon even accused me on the phone of being a Toldot Aharon spy. This was quite funny, as the Toldot Aharon wouldn't really accept me as their spy. Certainly not in my jeans camouflage.:-)

Haredi society, however, doesn't know to put me into a category. Not as soon as I start talking to them. "How come a woman in pants knows about haredi society, Rabbis, Torah, Halacha and even Talmud ? This can't be that someone from Tel Aviv understands great parts of the Yiddish language and knows haredi vocabulary".

Rabbi Akivah found his way at the age of 40. I am a bit older and still looking for my way. But, never give up hope ...

Why did Yoel Hazroni kill himself ?

B"H

Ex – Haredi Yoel Hazroni committing suicide about two or three weeks ago. The the former Haredi was from Modi’in Illit (Kiryat Sefer near Modi’in) and hung himself in his apartment in Tel Aviv. Yoel had just left society and become secular a few years ago. He shared an apartment with his flatmate Shai Gold and worked at a supermarket. Just recently Yoel also admitted that he is gay and thus was a member of the Tel Aviv gay community.

He had never lost contact with his parents, even when everyone knew that he is a homosexual. Yoel was visiting his family and some of them were seeing him in Tel Aviv. A day or two before he killed himself was the Yahrzeit of his father and he participated in the event. There, apparently a brother of his father, told him something very offensive. It is not know what exactly but Yoel was very upset after the talk. Then he hung himself at his Tel Aviv apartment where Shai Gold found him.

Many of Yoel’s friends and even some Hebrew speaking blogs are asking whether the relative is guilty of Yoel’s suicide. Maybe he made him feel so guilty that Yoel couldn’t take it anymore ? Yoel Hazroni was buried on Har HaMenuchot in Jerusalem.

The Halacha questions whether a Jew committing suicide may be buried at the main part of a Jewish cemetery. Generally, such Jews are being buried “near the fence”, meaning, in a special area of the cemetery. What is amazing is that the gay community mourning about Yoel was allowed to participate in the funeral. The Hazroni family even set up a date that the community could come to the Shiva to Kiryat Sefer. Loosing a son to secularism was nothing new to the Hazronis, as an older brother of Yoel had left way before him and today lives in Petach Tikvah (near Tel Aviv)

Halacha also says that a Jew can do Teshuva until the last second of his life. When someone commits suicide, we don’t know for sure whether this person didn’t regret his action at the very last second. How do we know for sure whether he regretted or not ? This is why a person taking his own life has the right receiving a halachic funeral. Yoel Hazroni'ss death is tragic, as it shows that many former Haredim don’t search for psychological help. Especially Tel Aviv is an Eldorado of support groups and help lines. Also for Haredim or those leaving society. We will never know for sure why Yoel decided to die but others should learn from him and search for help. 

Link:

Video of YOEL HAZRONI

Haredi (Runaway) Blogs

B"H

It doesn't always have to be Sarah Einfeld's blog and her stories about running away from Chassidut GUR in Ashdod. And, by the way, Sarah hasn't been updating her blog on a regular basis for quite a while. 

By reading an article in a local Tel Aviv paper, I got to the blog of YOSSELE GOLDBERG who didn't start writing too long ago. I haven't really understood his identity. Whether he is a gay Haredi or not. What Yossele does is mentioning another gay Haredi runaway from society who killed himself about two or three weeks ago. I am going to describe the tragic incident in my following article.

Another Yossele is writing about his financial problems on his blog called YOSSELE BEGGAR. Yossele's father is deeply in debts, as he took plenty of loans in order to find respected Shidduchim for his children. When he married them off, he also bought apartments as a wedding gift. A terrible custom and mistake in many parts of haredi society. In order to marry one of once children off, the family needs money. Especially the bride's family which, many times, is contributing much more to the wedding celebrations as well as to the home of the newly married couple. 

Yossele decided to ask for Zedakah (charity) by going from house to house. 

All three blogs are in HEBREW only but you can use Google Translator !!!

חיים בשאלה - Leaving frum Society

News from Gitty Grunwald

B"H

Some time ago, I was raising the question whether anyone is able to provide any news regarding the Satmar runaway GITTY GRUNWALD. One of the SHEARIM readers recently sent me a link where Gitty's and her ex - husband's custody dispute for their daughter Esther Miriam is being discussed.

People in Tel Aviv are secular, leftists and eat pork !

Allenby Street in Downtown Tel Aviv

Photo: Miriam Woelke

B"H

A national religious blog used the expression "Tel Aviv - like". It doesn't matter in what context and I didn't even pay too much attention. Alone the expression "Tel Aviv - like" drove me mad.

Excuse me, what is "Tel Aviv - like" ?

For many religious Jews in Israel our city means Sodom and Gomorrha. People living in Tel Aviv are mainly secular, don't keep the Torah, have an empty life, as there is no Torah. People in Tel Aviv are leftists, support an Arab State, are homosexuals and eat pork.

My question is: When was the last time you have lived in Tel Aviv for more than a year in order to make such a claim ? Do you know this city at all besides passing through ?

The day before yesterday a colleague asked me at work why religious people from JERUSALEM like to come to Tel Aviv, forget about their Frumkeit (being frum) and behave like a pig ? "I don't trust religious Jews coming to Tel Aviv" - were the words of my colleague.

Many religious Jews always complain about Tel Aviv but who actually knows about the complains of the people from Tel Aviv. Since I have been living here, I have realized more than once that those Tel Aviv claims are correct.

Many religious Jews coming to Tel Aviv have only one goal: Leaving their religious pressure life at home and enjoying some time in "freedom". Lets look at many Yeshiva guys (I just saw some black Kipot today) laying at the beach. Not the religious gender separated beach but the regular beach.

Just look at those religious people (mainly guys) coming to Tel Aviv in order to go to a prostitute, pub, use drugs or whatever.

Who else but me can understand what it means to live in a haredi society where society pressure is all over the place ? The neighbours, the parents, the friends, the Rabbis, anything. A human being needs a balance and has to get out sometimes. However, running to Tel Aviv, doing whatever and then going back and giving a Drasha on Shabbat how bad the people in Tel Aviv are ...

How about looking at yourself first instead of pointing your finger at everyone else ? And this doesn't only include Haredim but especially the national religious. Getting out of your settlement and searching for some Tel Aviv fun ? This is definitely not Tel Aviv - like, as the Tel Avivim are just looking down on you.

My colleague said that he doesn't understand why religious people need to run to Tel Aviv and do whatever when they are so religious. So, why do you ?

Sarah Einfeld on "Wearing a Skirt"

B"H

The GUR runaway Sarah Einfeld sent me a link to her latest article on the secular Israeli news site YNET:

http://www.xnet.co.il/win/articles/0,14717,L-3082225,00.html

The text is in HEBREW only but I put the whole articles through Google and this is what came out in English:

Sarah Einfeld (see photo left) writes:

We sat in long rows. I'm friendly classroom, seminar building.

Pale faces, no views, templates informed and heavy limbs. Prayer, the rate, the rate of a giggle. Social Josepha Le tried to swing really hard in prayer. Strongest. She grimaced and put them in suits in Serial Machtam with tears. You could see clearly that even Matchmaker did not miss the heart rending scene has a term price Prepare meeting, Kingfisher on Stander wormy, wigs dancing mischievously at the thought of the wonderful house of Torah together with Joseph, it justified a woman of valor.

Dear jury, how about underwear?

Lesson, the teacher, tenderness on her face, tells us: "Dear girls. Have any job in the world. Be a woman follower. That supports and encourages a woman gives birth, spiritual and hired these worldly things will be very high in the sky! (Maod! What else! added the teacher, but I ages .)

So, I'm sure you all will be built, so loud that the role of wife and mother and respected in Israel, does not pass in silence, and now here, has been dancing here in the devil, when he sees you, so modest and kindness, but short enough not wigs. Girls expensive. Short wig is not narrow! Little wig - happy here! Shows long? Alas, A - Welcome! Natural wig? Look terrifying! Attractive design? Lion bites! Compatible internal basis scalp? You burn in hell!

And on and on favorite teacher said. Increased by moving it, I was called to the principal charges of very bitter which I've not Abcdyia. "Your socks do not match the policy seminar," she said.

"But then they write" I quoted: "40 Daner Abeim, cover the knee, hazy sky brown color and not taste rains, long hairs below as required."

"They do not", she told me. "For you 40 Daner is not good enough. That you have legs like minutes."

Degree minute legs, long thick texture color form sufficient flexibility clothes, appearance sync with policies along with the legendary law, are those associated with the majority of my childhood, a relentless pursuit. Most of my grace rash, I've spent on clothes. How I dress. What about what, how long and what, what's better than what bother the teacher, what yards the manager, what would be glad to matchmakers.

Of course, every comma clothing had its own significance. Too long skirt was also not accepted by the best man in my town clergy flowers law, because it is reminiscent of the National Service girls, Phew. Cloth handkerchief to cover their head and reminds Spanish Phew, red costume reminds them of blueberries, Phew. I knew I knew the son, more clothes that match the requirements, so I better justify more than worth living at all.

Recently I received a reprimand from a legal nice, surprisingly, rather female, who told me self-righteous tone (while wearing a pair of black trousers and wonderful sight) - why not send the child to a religious school like her father wanted? (He came to see her about 3 times a year or so and it is not so) so what? Wear a skirt to receive it! What's so bad about that?

Well, what's bad? She would not let me reply, so I'll do it here.

What's bad? Terrible to think I gave birth Atathanach evaluate people by their clothing. Slbegied imagine any mad at my child will be particularly important, than the love of others or the values ​​of companies. That you tag people as equals less than because they pants, she saw her mother (the I) trying to curry favor with the school, not by content or values, or because the occupying personality (and I have one, check out this), but, by wearing a special skirt. As if to say our house we do not something like that, troubled, for you we make a big show of the better people wearing a skirt, as we all know immediately changes the brain structure and thinking person's mind, graduate, consider responsible for the educated.

So they have my skirt a little more probably they will be in his underwear. It probably will not calm down. I am ashamed that these are the general topic of conversation and in court! Felt a deep contempt for all who claim to represent the interests of the child "instead of atoning this country where a child goes to sleep crying at night because her father had to come and come, legal experts dealing with far-reaching and important questions to the death of floral skirts and saddle taxes.

This entry probably will not my big makeover. But it's the real story. Small, composed of scraps of fabric skirts, small smiles of cornflakes with milk spilled on the carpet and left a sour smell of the soft morning air. I? Just sit quietly and write bits of pieces of madness trying to send the holy provinces intrusive hands of life.

Further Links:

Meeting Sarah Einfeld

Sarah Einfeld - SORERET

The other YOU

B”H

You are a Ba’al Teshuva (newly religious Jew) and suddenly it hits you. You neither doubt religion nor G – d. You try keeping Mitzvot and you may even study in a Yeshiva, seminary or any other programme. But then comes a time when you are getting up in the morning and start asking yourself whether the frum way is really for you.

Exactly this happened to me years ago. I woke up after having a nightmare, got dressed, put on my skirt but, at the same moment, started asking myself whom I want to impress by that. Why am I wearing a skirt and for what ? Because of my haredi flatmate, because of our haredi neighbours and neighbourhood ? 

The person on the photo has nothing to do with my text and I took the picture randomly.

Photo: Miriam Woelke

I knew I was leaving the apartment in order to return to Germany for at least some months. The advantage was that I didn’t have to think about the environment anymore. The result was that I instantly took off my skirt, pulled out my jeans and, after leaving the house, threw my skirts into the garbage outside. Later on I bought new ones but, for the time being, this was it.

When I left the house, some chassidic kids from the neighbours upstairs saw me. I think they didn’t even recognize me. The main problem though was that I had to go to work. The job was connected to other Haredim. Lita’im (Litvish). Now what ? First I thought about skipping work but then decided to show up. In jeans.

I arrived and my female boss made a very strange remark. Instead of yelling or fainting she asked: “Who hurt you ?”

Now it was me who almost fainted because I had never expected this kind of question. My female boss didn’t ask any further questions. Nothing. I was doing my job, she did hers and this was it. Some years later we met accidently and still got along very well. 

Nevertheless, when you are part of haredi society and suddenly dress in a different way, you have to expect that your environment won’t always react as great as my former female boss. There are Haredim who definitely ask you what has caused the change and why ? However, if you try talking about your personal problems and difficulties you hope that your haredi friends may draw you back. You are awaiting some king of support but just the opposite will be the case. I was hoping for some encouraging conversations but, as soon as I made an approach, people just escaped. A little later I find out why. 

At first I had thought that my haredi friends may be too embarrassed to be seen with someone like me in public but this wasn’t the case. The main reason for running away was the fear of getting drawn into doubt. Maybe I could be a negative influence to other people.

As a matter of fact, there were very few people who stopped being in touch with me and those people, believe it or not, where Ba’alei Teshuva and NOT born Haredim. 

In case you do undergo such a chance, never forget the consequences. They may be positive but also extremely negative. However, the main issue is that you know what you want and how you are going to live your life.

How do I turn from Frum into Secular (Chiloini) ?

 B"H

The other day I was chatting with the Gur runaway Sarah Einfeld and we were discussing a certain matter regarding haredi women leaving their society and turning secular (Hebrew: Chiloni). Sarah's answer how to carry this out was very simple and any woman who needs some advice, here it comes:

"Leave your haredi environment, start building yourself a new life, go into a store and buy some pants !"

I wouldn't regard leaving haredi society as that simple. No matter if the runaway is male or female. Jeans and leading a secular life doesn't take away your thoughts about what is MUTAR and what ISSUR. The thoughts just pop up and suddenly you may find yourself saying a Broche (Bracha) before putting something into your mouth. :-)

Links:

Sarah Einfeld and the movie "Soreret - Rebellious"

Meeting Sarah Einfeld

The Perfect Haredi ?

B"H

Since I moved back to Tel Aviv a little more than a month ago, my religious life has been helter skelter like. Ups and downs and I am still looking for the way. One day more and the next day less.

Furthermore I noticed that I have been too obsessive with perfectionism and when I entered haredi society years ago, I mostly concentrated on the perfect side. However, this doesn't mean that Haredim are perfect. In fact, many of them are anything but perfect.

Ba'alei Teshuva into haredi society can get themselves into a very destructive position and I have seen people who wanted nothing but acceptance by born Haredim. Those Ba'alei Teshuva did anything but where never satisfied, as there was always a time when someone born haredi made a negative remark.

Quickly I left the way of sliming around and wanting to be accepted. I didn't care about other Haredim but set goals for myself. The goals were too high and I failed.

Am I failing until today ?

Maybe the haredi way is just not for me or G - d doesn't want me to be this way ?

Maybe His plan for me is something else ?

At the moment I am rather following the easy way. Not because of my secular Tel Aviv environment but to overcome my strive for perfection. This basically is the reason why I mainly avoid going to Jerusalem these days, as Jerusalem reminds me of my old way of life.

Haredim like coming to Tel Aviv and enjoy Life

Photo: Miriam Woelke

B"H

Despite all gossip about Tel Aviv and looking down on it, as the city is Israel's center of Jewish secularism, various Haredim like to come here and enjoy life. 

"Enjoying Life" may sound negative and people usually think of leaving the Derech. Tel Aviv and enjoying life ? Can anything religious be involved ? Probably not. 

Not only since the old times of "Allenby 40" Haredim like to come to Tel Aviv and "live". Until today, many of them come, go to the regular beach or just walk around. There are times when every human being has to go out and LIVE. Stop working, relax and just go out into nature and think about something else. Clean out the mind and feel that you are actually live. 

In places like Bnei Brak and other haredi centers it is hard to do so. Of course, there are those claiming that they can do it by studying Torah. Nevertheless, you have to understand one thing: G - d created us in order to enjoy His Creation. There is nothing bad about enjoying and feeling alive. I find it rather sad that quite a few Bnei Brak Haredim have to come to Tel Aviv in order to feel alive. Once a week, once a month. Feeling alive without the strict society participating, but only being oneself.

Escaping one’s frum Life

B”H

Many many times it has happened to me that in Jerusalem, I saw such obviously holy people on Shabbat. I went to different Shabbatot where there were various people. Some giving a Drasha, others just enjoying or mainly eating. When I looked at all those people I thought that they must be really holy. All those Drashot and talking about the holy Shabbat. I wish I could live like that.

This was in Jerusalem, don’t forget.

Some weeks later, sometimes even only one week later, I saw the same person in Tel Aviv. This happened a lot during my Yeshiva days but even until today. In most cases it is guys doing this.

Suddenly I see the same person in Tel Aviv walking at the beach on Shabbat. There are times when the Kipa is gone. Or I see him going into a non – kosher restaurant like “Subway”. Open on Shabbat and dairy and fleishig being served together. 

When I was in Yeshiva and entered a religious crisis or call it depression, I went to Tel Aviv in order to spend the Shabbat “FREE”. I even went to the cinema on rev Shabbat and I was sure that no one from Jerusalem would see me, as everyone else would apparently celebrate Shabbat. However, I was never really alone, as some more people had the same idea, as I had. Back in Jerusalem we were all frum again and no one ever said anything about the other person’s doing on Shabbat. We simply pretended that we had never seen each other in Tel Aviv.

Restless Life

B”H

My restless life would be the result of my own inability of decision making. Someone from Mea Shearim told me so last week. “You are not here and you are not there. Therefore you will always continue running around until you finally make up your mind”. The woman saying this to me refrained from saying “You belong back into the haredi world” but this is what she meant.

Tel Aviv would be the wrong place for me anyway and if I have to choose between secular, haredi or something inbetween, I should do so in Jerusalem. 

Jerusalem’s Haredim consider Tel Aviv as modern Sodom and Gomorrha. There are chassidic groups, such a the Toldot Aharon, which don’t allow their members to come here. Haredim from Bnei Brak are a little different, as they are facing the nearby city of Tel Aviv much more often. At least the adults and not necessarily the children.

As if all my problems would be immediately solved if I returned into haredi society. Moving back to Jerusalem, getting a nutty Shidduch, learning how to make Gefilte and shut up. Pray, keep Mitzvot and “HaShem Ya’azor”.

What I didn’t tell her was that I am comfortable in both societies: In Tel Aviv and in the haredi world. However, there are limits and, many times, it comes to the point where I have to escape from one world and run to the next. There are things bothering me in both worlds and I admit that I am leading a restless life which sometimes may be destructive.

What I did answer the woman was that maybe it is my Tikun living in both worlds. Neither Mea Shearim nor Bnei Brak are my world because I am simply not a person following a Rebbe or any kind of Rabbi. Someone once told me that I don’t have this “sheep character” but my own thoughts and ideas. I wish I could be like those haredi women but I am not. My problem is not this particular decision but rather get rid of those thoughts and continue in life. For the time being, I am still busying myself with finding an answer why other people in haredi society succeed and I don't. But maybe G - d sees me somewhere else and thus doesn't let me succeed.