"I am Jewish"

B"H 

This is a great video every Jew should watch. May you agree or not, it does arouse a lot of Jewish pride in yourself. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJe0uqVGZJA&feature=youtube_gdata

Can a Jew have Gentile friends ?

B”H

May a Jew befriend non - Jews ? 

Diaspora Jews probably regard this kind of question as something odd. How can you not have Gentile friends when a Jew lives in the Diaspora unless you are a Haredi from Brooklyn, Kiryat Yoel, Monsey or Crown Heights ? The same with Israel's frum population: No religious child would see a need for having Gentile friends because its entire world consists of a Jewish kindergarden, a Jewish school, Jewish classmates and friends. 

The Torah itself states that a Jew should not be too friendly with a Gentile. One of the reasons may be that when Jews and Gentiles befriend each other, they will sit together and eat and drink. Example: A Jew sitting in the house of his Gentile friends and eating. The problem occuring is that the food won't be kosher. It is not sufficient when a cooked meal consists of kosher ingredients but a Jew has to turn on the stove in order to start the cooking process. In case he doesn't, he can still stir the food while cooking. Another problem is that the dishes in a Gentile home are not kosher.

The Torah teaches that G - d created Jews + Gentiles. Each of them has his own task in life. If Jews and Gentiles were one unit, G - d would have created only one people but He didn't. Meaning, there must be a difference between the two. Jews are able to cause a "Tikkun - Soul Rectification" by keeping Mitzvot and Gentile, on the other hand, should follow the "Seven Noachide Laws". 

The Torah commands us to be nice to Gentiles. There is no reason why we shouldn't. Not every great person in this world has to be Jewish, and there are many great non - Jews in this world. Furthermore, we have to keep our contracts with them and be fair business partners. 

I have a lot to say about my own experiences while living in Germany. All of my friends were Gentiles. Well, except for some members of the local Jewish community I knew. However, I wouldn't really call them "friends" but rather acquaintances. 

When you live at certain places in the Diaspora where there aren't too many Jews around, you won't have too many chances of finding Jewish friends. Hence, most of your friends will be Gentile. Although you may think that Gentile friends are great people to have and that nothing can keep you apart - reality looks different. There is always a certain point in life when you feel alone. Abandoned and misunderstood by your Gentile friends. The times when your beloved friends step away from you can occur at different times and as a result of various events. For instance, when you insist on "a Jew should marry a Jew". My Gentile friends probably felt left out when I made this kind of statement. Another point is that Germans are easily offended by telling them that they are guilty of the Holocaust. Germans from the younger generation don't see any reason for taking the responsibility for the Holocaust and also point out that not every German was a Nazi but also a resistant fighter. 

It doesn't matter whether you are a German, American, British or any other Jew: We all know the feeling of how it is when suddenly our Gentile friends start criticizing us because we are Jewish. The reasons differ but suddenly we are becoming aware of how terribly alone we are. Furthermore, we feel the need for a Jewish friend. Kabbalah is calling this effect a "special need for a soul connection". Jewish souls are connected and there are times when we feel the desire for having this connection. For someone who feels like us and does unterstand. Someone we have something in common with.

Rabbi Natan Lopes Cardozo: "I am taking off my Kippah"

B"H

The famous English speaking lecturer Rabbi Natan Lopes Cardozo on "Taking off his Kippah":

http://cardozoacademy.org/studies-by-rabbi-lopes-cardozo/i-am-taking-off-my-kippah/?mid=57458

I have to admit that I didn't really get whether he really wants to take off his Kippah or if his essay is a thought. On the other hand, I can imagine that wearing a Kippah binds a Jewish man to Mitzvot. And even I know from personal experience that many Jews, including myself, are more afraid of not keeping Halachot than actually loving G - d. There are many situations in my life where I am just seeing myself terribly punished for not doing this Mitzvah and that Mitzvah. Sometimes I am able to convince myself of still doing the Mitzvah because of the punishment but not necessarily because of G - d. In fact, it should be the other way around and the love of G - d should be the main focus. 

But men wearing a Kippah or a Jewish woman wearing modest clothes reminds them of who they are and to stick to the Mitzvot. There are quite a few changes in my personal behaviour, meaning there is a difference between me wearing pants or a skirt. I do accept the point that some religious Jews, although frum, don't feel comfortable when being reminded all the time. This may cause them keeping Mitzvot out of fear and not out of love. By the way, the latter stands for a much higher level.

The xmas business in Israel

B"H

The month of Kislev has just begun and maybe I should write something more positive. Publishing the following story doesn't mean that I am negative. I am definitely not but I think that Jews should know what is going on in our country. We have to become more aware of our Jewish identity but, unfortunately, this is not always the case. Many secular Israelis love pretending to be just like the other nations. They are sick of Judaism and Rabbis telling them about a Jewish soul and all this religious stuff. "Let us be like all the others and thus kill anti - Semitism !"

The only thing is that anti - Semitism will always exist. Until Meshiach comes and there is nothing what Jews can do. Even if they think celebrating xmas and having a tree would bring them closer to the nations. 

xmas is coming up and, while passing Tel Aviv's Central Bus Station yesterday, I noticed all those annual stands selling xmas items. Santas, trees and all kinds of other Kitsch. These stands are mainly run by Russians and it is Russians buying the products as well as Philippinas working in Israel. On the other hand, many Israeli Jews come and buy. Hundreds of Israelis like celebrating xmas claiming not to celebrate the actual xtian event but enjoying a cozy atmosphere and the decorated tree. No one wants to hear about idol - worship but people see it as a nice event with good food, without any religion involved. But have a look for yourself:

Tel Aviv Central Bus Station: The annual xmas market taking place.

Photos: Miriam Woelke

The Heart of the Jewish People

Do not reach out for something which is not yours !

B"H

In Germany, it has been quite popular for Gentiles to present or introduce themselves as "Jewish". This kind of behaviour cannot be called a "sport" or "fun" but those non - Jewish Germans presenting themselves as Jewish are serious. At the very moment they are telling their environment that they are Jewish, they even believe it themselves.

Not only once I have witnessed it in Israel: Suddenly a German tourist claims that he may be Jewish but he has no papers. The claim is mostly a lie and mainly used by Christian missionaries. However, regarding the German false "Jews", people make the Jewish claim for two reasons:

1. They are really Christian missionaries and try convincing their environment of their false Jewish identity.

2. Having a bad concience regarding the Holocaust and in order to get rid of it, some Germans take the role of the Jewish "victim". Thus, creating a different identity and, at the same time, getting rid of the role as a "murderer".

It may sound strange to foreigners but it is extremely hard to describe German behaviour in regard to the Holocaust.

A Christian making the claim to be Jewish is not necessarily a German problem but is being used by all kinds of Christian missionaries. How many times have I met Christian tourists in Jerusalem who suddenly announced that they were actually Jewish ? They don't have any documents nor were their ancestors Jewish but they have a "feeling". 

When I hear those false claims from Germans or international Christians I am immediately thinking of a certain Talmud teaching where it says that "One should not reach out for something which isn't his". Meaning that G - d is running the world and it is Him deciding which person is reaching a special task in life. The Talmud, for instance, gives King David's son, Avshalom, as an example. Avshalom was striving for a position which was not meant to be his but the one of his father. This is why Avshalom could not be king and, in the end, died.  The same happened to Korach who rebelled against Moshe. Also here we see that Korach was not meant to be the leader of the Jews but only Moshe. Therefore Korach failed. 

It is important that we realize our own capacities and do not reach out into other fields for tasks we are not able to fulfill. A Jew is not only a Jew but, as Kabbalists and the Alter Lubavitcher Rebbe in his book TANYA stressed: "A Jew has a Jewish soul and therefore also different tasks in this world". A Jew has the task to correct this world (Tikun Olam) and his own soul (Tikun) by fulfilling Mitzvot and walking in the way of G - d. Through certain actions, a Jew can cause something in this world wheras a Gentile has totally different tasks. He cannot take over the tasks of the Jews, as he is not meant to do so unless he is converting to Judaism.

G - d created Jews and Gentiles and each of the two groups have their own tasks in life. Obviously G - d wants Jews and Gentiles, otherwise He would have only created Jews or only Gentiles. If the Christians stuck to their own tasks and weren't constantly intruding the Jewish world, we would get along much better.

Was the explorer CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS Jewish ?

B"H


For quite some time I have been running a special series on my religious German blog. I am taking all kinds of celebrities and try to proof, via Wikipedia or other sites, whether this particular person is Jewish or not. Yesterday I chose the explorer Christopher Columbus because there have been quite strong rumours that he is of Jewish origin.  

However, describing Christopher Columbus means historical research, as he discovered America (he, after all, caused the colonization of the continent) in 1492 but, at the same time, the year 1492 also stands for one of the worst tragedies in Jewish history.

Was CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS (1451 - 1506) really a Jew ?


Columbus himself claimed to be from Genua / Italy. Nevertheless, until today,   various theories about his origin have been spreading around. Was he Portugese or Spanish ? Was he from Poland, Greece or even from Norway ?


Some claim that Columbus was a Jew but was forced to hide his true Jewish identity. When you look into the history of those days, you exactly understand why Columbus would have to do so. The 15 hundreds were the days of the Spanish Inquisition and the Expulsion of the Jews from Spain. The Catholic Church tried anything in order to eliminate the Jews and Judaism as a whole. The Torah and the Talmud as well as religious Jews had become a danger to Christendom and the church was afraid that the Christians may discover the beauty and truth of Judaism and thus leave the church. What if the Christians found out that their "Meshiach" J. was nothing but a fake and the church a corrupt bunch of loosers ?


The Spanish King Ferdinand II. of Aragon and his vicious wife Isabella of Castilia agreed to introduce the Spanish Inquisition. It was them together with the church signing the decree. Only a few years later, on 13 March 1492, the decree for the Expulsion of Spanish Jewry was signed by the same people. The Expulsion was announced four months before it actually took place. The Jews had only two choices: 1. Convert to Christianity or 2. Leave Spain. Many Jews left for northern Africa, Portugal, Holland, Turkey, Italy or other countries but others decided to stay and convert (become Conversos). They thought that they could keep Judaism inside their homes and to the outside they were acting as Christians. Many times this didn't work because the Inquisition was everywhere and constantly checking on every converted Jew.


For hundreds of years, the Jews had been enjoying great freedom in Spain. After the destruction of the Second Temple, thousands of Jews had moved to Babylon. There they founded famous Yeshivot (e.g. Pumbedita) and basically had a good life. After a while, it became a fashion to move to Spain and soon thousands of Jews moved because Spain meant freedom of religion. The Jewish Kabbalah mostly comes from Spain. Just look at the ZOHAR published by Rabbi Moshe De Leon in 1290.


After hundreds of years, the fanatic Muslims "Almohad" stormed through Spain and became a threat to the local Jewry. Just ask the Rambam (Maimonides). Things got really bad as soon as the Christians took over. The church started pogroms, Talmud burnings and countless Jews were tortured and killed. The Popes in those days wanted the Jews dead or converted to idol - worship and this is the reason why Columbus may have kept his true identity hidden. In case he was Jewish. 
Wikipedia states:

Some researchers have postulated that Columbus was of Iberian Jewish origins. The linguist Estelle Irizarry, in addition to arguing that Columbus was Catalan, also claims that Columbus tried to conceal Jewish heritage.[23] In "Three Sources of Textual Evidence of Columbus, Crypto Jew,"[24] Irizarry claims that Columbus always wrote in Spanish, occasionally included Hebrew in writing, and referenced the Jewish High Holidays in his journal during the first voyage.

Simon Wisenthal postulates that Columbus was a Sephardi (Spanish Jew), careful to conceal his Judaism yet also eager to locate a place of refuge for his persecuted fellow countrymen. Wiesenthall argues that Columbus' concept of sailing west to reach the Indies was less the result of geographical theories than of his faith in certain Biblical texts—specifically the Book of Isaiah. He repeatedly cited two verses from that book: "Surely the isles shall wait for me, and the ships of Tarshish first, to bring thy sons from far, their silver and their gold with them," (60:9); and "For behold, I create new heavens and a new earth" (65:17). Wisenthal claimed that Columbus felt that his voyages had confirmed these prophecies.[25]

Jane Francis Amler argued that Columbus was a converso (a Sephardi Jew who publicly converted to Christianity). In Spain, even some converted Jews were forced to leave Spain after much persecution; it is known that many conversos were still practicing Judaism in secret. The correlation between the Alhambra Decree, which called for the expulsion of all of the Jews from Spain and its territories and possessions by July 31, 1492, and Columbus's embarkation on his first voyage on August 3, 1492, has been offered as support for this claim.

I don't think that we are able today to find the correct answer to the question whether Christopher Columbus was Jewish. Maybe he was and maybe he wasn't.  The only fact we can draw from this is the date 1492. A year of celebration for the US but a year of tragedy in Jewish history. The Expulsion of the Jews from Spain and thus new pogroms and attempts of elimination organized by the church.

LECH LECHA - Your true Identity

Seen in Tiberias. 

Photo: Miriam Woelke

B"H

A very basic explanation on Parashat Lech Lecha:

G - d is commanding Avraham to leave his home and aim to a land He (G - d) is going to show him.

"Lech Lecha - Go for yourself …" -

Here Rashi says: Go for your pleasure and for your benefit.

It can happen that a person lives in a certain place / environment which has a negative effect on him. This can be the place itself, his friends, his job or even his own family. Going out and moving to a different place may be of great help. Suddenly the same person may be able to grow spiritually or just enjoy the new location where he lives. The most popular example for Jews may be "making Aliyah to Israel". Moving to Israel on a permanent basis should be the final goal of every Jew. Following the footsteps of Avraham.

However, LECH LECHA can also mean that a person should go out in order to find his true inner personality. Revealing your true identity as a Jew.

Many times we are stuck in a certain place and there is just no way in order to develop one's own character. Other people are constantly influencing you and, in addition to that, you are caught in your own rat race. Living in Israel doesn't always mean spiritually without any break. Israelis are very much into their daily lives and worry about making a living. Avraham didn't have all those worries when he started traveling to Israel (then Canaan). No worries about finding a job, an apartment and how he is going to pay the bills. He just did what G - d had told him without asking for any reason.

When I say this, usually people start arguing that today everything is different and that life is not just a dream and a bunch of spirituality but rather a constant struggle. I made Aliyah more than ten years ago and I didn't leave Germany with all those worries. On the contrary, I was glad to leave Europe and start something new in Israel. Living among Jews and looking for new opportunities. In Israel we have a saying: Hashem Ya'asor - G - d will help". This doesn't mean sitting around and waiting for G - d to solve our personal problems but rather that we should take action and the rest depends on G - d.

G - d created each one of us with a special gift / talent and our task is to use our unique ability. There are times when we are only develop our true personality in a different environment. This was the case with Avraham. First of all, he had to come to Israel, as the fate of the entire Jewish nation depended on that particular move. Moreover, it is questionable whether Avraham could have lived his whole religious life with his father Terach and further family members.

Soul Reflections

B"H

Years ago, I participated in the 1,5 day lasting "Discovery Programme" run by Yeshivat AISH HATORAH in the Old City of Jerusalem. After the programme had ended, all participants sat together and we discussed our feelings and what we had gained from learning about Jewish identity and if there is a G - d. Before finishing up, we were told to write a letter to ourselves. Write what we feel and what we think how we would or should be in the future. The plan was that AISH would send our letter to us one or two years later.

And so it was. I received the letter addressed to myself. I actually forgot what it said but I do remember that I was shocked.

The same happened to me last Shabbat when I participated in the Shabbat programme of the Chabad Hostel "Ascent" in Safed (northern Israel).

Almost at the same time when I participated in the Discovery programme, I started learning, or in other words "Doing my first chassidic steps", in Chabad. However, in what I am trying to express, Chabad is irrelevant and it could have been any other chassidic group. When I did these first steps towards chassidic or haredi Judaism, I did have some goals I wanted to reach. In the end, not too much worked out, I left, came back, left, came back. This chain continues until today.

In the meantime I had forgotten about my first principles, had met other people, life had changed. As soon as I listened to the first lecture at Ascent run by Rabbi Shaul Leiter, everything came back to me. A soul reflection from the past. From my first goals and then I started looking at me today. In what kind of environment I live, what kind of people I know. Then again, I was shocked because it is not what I wanted.

Well, things change but for me, nothing has changed because my former goals were not just wishful thinking or some kind of imagination. When I listened to Rabbi Leiter's lecture I felt that my former goals are actually what I really want. Where I want to be.

It was a "Deja Vu" from the past which isn't just a past but in my mind and soul. This is where I see myself and now what ?

I am going to make some severe changes in my life. Especially looking for people I can connect to and who understand what I am talking about and not wasting time with artificial talks. Furthermore, I am going to change the place of living.

It is not just a mood but suddenly I feel like the person I really wanted to be and keep on trying to reach the goal. We are now in the month of ELUL, the best time for changes and searching for one's inner essence. 

I am "JEWISH ?" and I love You

B"H

Israel's Supreme Court is planning a final verdict on an interesting subject (crime):

Is a Gentile who deliberately tells an Israeli Jewish woman that he is Jewish, guilty of committing a crime ?

More and more Israelis are complaining to the police that their partner, who is supposed to be Jewish, is turning out as a Gentile. Before the Jewish person began the relationship, the partner had claimed to be Jewish and thus lied.

I cannot say that it is common among religious circles to just grab someone from the street and starting a relationship. As we all know, frum Jews go through Shidduchim or, at least, certain ways of recommandation. The result is that such surprises wouldn't happen to them although I know cases where the Rabbanut (Chief Rabbinate) had someone registered as Jewish and it turned out later that there was a halachic questionmark.

Secular Jews, however, don't pay too much attention and when someone says he is Jewish, so they, more or less, believe it. Our present society is full of questionable halachic Jews and plenty of Israelis who come from a mixed marriage where the mother wasn't Jewish. The Reform movement as well as liberal laws are causing an identity problem in our society. Who is who in Israel ? I find it quite sad that you have to check with the Rabbanut and other institutions whether your friend / spouse is really Jewish. A sad reality today !

The Month of ADAR and its SIMCHA

משנכנס אדר מרבין בשמחה

It is a Mitzvah for the Jews to be joyful during the month of ADAR !

Talmud Ta'anit 29a

B"H

In about a week from now, we are entering the Jewish month of ADAR !

The Gemara in Talmud Ta'anit urges us to increase our joy during the month of Adar. Our forefathers participated enthusiastically in the donation of the half - shekel coin for the Temple. The giving of gifts to the poor is closely associated with Purim; however, the joyous donations to the Beit HaMikdash (Temple) do also play a role in the month of Adar.

Furthermore, Adar stand for UNITY among the Jews ! When Esther called for the famous fast, all Jews participated in order to avoid their extermination. Finally the Jews in Babylon were united and it was then when they really accepted the Torah, as stated in the Talmud (Tractate Shabbat).

The Gemara in Ta'anit 29a discusses the joy we reduce in the month of Av due to the destruction of both Tempels. On the other hand, the same Gemara teaches us to increase our joy in the month of Adar because our ancestors gave collective donations of half - shekels in order to built / repair the Temple. Once the spirit of Adar enters the Jew's psyche, it penetrates every part of his being and he is filled with joy.

I can just confirm that teaching ! Lets admit: Somehow the story of Esther and the Jews in Babylon does give us hope. The realizations that there are better times for the Jews. Times when G - d is completely on our side and times when we will be united and thus be a stronghold over the nations. When we finally realize our heritage and not letting ourselves getting influenced by the outside world or the nations.

________________________

Source:

"Days of Joy" by the Sefat Emet

 Anthologized and Adapted by Rabbi Yosef Stern

Don't worry, be Jewish !

B"H

Who says Israeli youth is not interested in its own religion ?

A recent poll proves just the opposite: Young Israeli Jews do regard their own Jewish religion as important. Many of them separate milchig and fleishig and over 70 %  are going to fast this Yom Kippur.

Being Jewish and religious seems to be COOL !

Usually all kinds of religious Israelis consider the Jews not going according to their standards as secular. And those secular Jews waste their time watching TV, wear immodest clothes, let alone all the immodest behaviour.

Sometimes it makes me sick how many religious Jews in Israel gossip about the secular. The secular may be not on such a high level of knowledge but there are many good people among them. Since I spend lots of time in Tel Aviv, I have learnt a lot about this part of the population and let me tell you: "There aren't only great people in national religious or haredi areas !"

Should I be a Member of something ?

B"H

There are plenty of Yeshivot and women's seminaries in Jerusalem and those who are on a search won't find any lack of offerings. The only things which needs to be done is choosing the right studies.

Basically there are three groups offering programmes:
The national religious, Chabad as well as Breslover Chassidim and the Litvaks (litvishe Haredim).

Last Shabbat, my host in Mea Shearim had different guests including two girl's groups studying two different ideologies. Some of the girls are studying at a litvishe programme in Bnei Brak and other girls are studying at a Breslover programme in Jerusalem.
One of the Ba'alat Teshuva (becoming religious later in one's life) raised the question if a Baal Teshuva should start with Torah and Halachot first. Learning the basics of one's own religion before moving on, hence making a decision in what direction to go to.
Let's say a secular Jews decides to study religion or become religious, he should start with the basics. The Torah Parasha of the week and daily Halachot.

Why study all this spirituality and leaving out Halachot ? It doesn't help if I know how to "fly through spiritual spheres" but, on the other hand, I am unable to keep the most important laws on Shabbat ? The "chassidic" girls including two from Chabad responded that there are Baalei Teshuva who can only connect to their own religion through Chassidut. In fact, especially Chabad taught me about the different soul roots of every Jew. Our souls all come from different sources in the Upper Worlds and thus, we are different from each other. If my friend can only connect to Judaism by learning Halacha and stressing this particular subject, it doesn't mean that I have to be the same. Of course, I am also studying Halacha and know the rules, however, I can even more enjoy everything by entering a spiritual part into my studies. There are plenty of spiritual / kabbalisitc reasons why we keep this and that Halacha.

Some of us love Jewish history, Jewish philosophy, Torah, the Prophets, Mussar (Ethics), Talmud, whatever. And each one of us has to find his preference and concentrate on what helps him most connecting to his Creator.

The litvishe girl didn't give up and said that if someone new to the religious life is jumping from this subject to that subject, from this community to that community, in the end he will be without a special frame and without any fundament. It is extremely important to first build a firm foundation, hence Halachot and Torah, and then move on to special subjects and preferences.

I must admit that the litvishe had a point. There should be some level of stability first and then someone can look around and decide on what he would like to concentrate. What life he wants to lead. If chassidic, litvish or something else.
But, on the other hand, is it always vital finding a community ?
If I may speak for myself: I don't have a firm community and love to do Synagogue shopping. Mainly chassidic and I know some people in different communities. When I go I decide where to on my way. I am not the type of going into the same Synagogue over and over again where people even have their name stuck on the seat.

Real Chassidim mostly go into their own Synagogue and let me tell you, many of the Toldot Aharon women have their name stuck onto the window sill at the Ezrat Nashim (women's side). However, the name tugs are from the high holidays and don't count throughout the year, I was told by one of the Toldot Aharon woman.

There is something about having a community but there is also something about Synagogue shopping. And why not taking over some of the different customs ? If someone is happy with that, why not ? Countless Israelis are not necessarily a community member but either go into a Synagogue nearby or keep moving from one to the next.

Christianity: Built on a Lie

B"H

Before I start writing about the latest Tuvia Singer lecture, which was brilliant, by the way, I would like to give you a short fact and also a thought.

When I walked down to the Israel Center (OU) to the Tuvia Singer lecture last night, I met Benjamin Kluger from Yad LeAchim. We both happened to have the same way and walked down together.



Benjamin Kluger

While we were talking about different Christian missionary tactics, Benjamin made a very important point: Christianity is built on a lie. !
The church, its pastors, priests, nuns, whatever you want to call the staff, lies in order to get new people in or to keep the others like sheep. Those studying the original version of the Torah, Christians call it Bible, cannot believe any claims of the church let alone the false ideology of Paul.

Further explanations are going to follow tomorrow !

The Heritage House

B"H

The famous Rabbi Akiva once said to his students that everything he knows, he owes to his wife Rachel. "My Torah is her Torah", those were his words. I can almost make the same claim. Not, that I owe it to any spouse but to the Heritage House in Jerusalem.

The first time I heard about the Heritage House was during a Shabbat meal in the Old City. Someone recommended it when he heard me saying that I am staying in an Arab hostel. "Arab hostel ? No, come to the Heritage House. First of all it is for free but they also offer great classes and send you to courses".

Basically this was what I was looking for. I was new in Jerusalem and looking for a Yeshiva or another place to learn. After I arrived, I ended up in an Arab hostel near Damascus Gate; just like so many other tourists. However, soon you find out that as a Jew, it is not too pleasant living near Damascus Gate in the Muslim Quarter. Most people don't care too much, as it is cheap and the environment seems to be attractive oriental. It was nice indeed but when Shabbat comes and you go to the Kotel (Western Wall) you definitely look for something Jewish. I got a Shabbat placement by someone called Jeff Seidel and thus, I heard about the Heritage House.

Today, some people make a big fuss on the Internet about being brainwashed in the Old City of Jerusalem. Be aware, as soon as you enter certain Jewish institutions, they never let you out and brainwash you ! That's a famous claim in the media. According to my experience, and I know the Jewish Quarter for many years, it is not so. What is happening is that some religious locals suggest different religious programs but they don't give you a brainwash. They give you advice and if you are interested, you can go and check out the program. If not, so don't go and say "Thank you very much". In case you are not interested, nothing is happening. You are a free person with a free choice. No one would ever refuse you because you don't show any interest. For me, however, it worked very different. I was one of those being grateful for advice. I was looking for some good classes and improve my knowledge about Judaism. And, by the way, there are many people like me.

The Heritage House is a basically free hostel (suggested donation during the week: 25 Shekels - 5.50 Dollar, suggested donation on Shabbat: 50 Shekels - approx. 12 Dollar) in the Jewish Quarter of the Old City in Jerusalem. The hostel consists of two separate buildings; a women's and a men's hostel. It is run by Rabbi Me'ir Schuster and his staff. If you want to check in, you have to fulfill a few conditions. First of all, the hostel is for Jews only. Especially today this is a great advantage, as many Christian missionaries are walking through the Old City and you surely don't want such people around, as in other hostels. So, you have to be Jewish or at least in a serious orthodox conversions course.
The second point is that you should belong into a certain age group. From the age of 18 - 35. I heard that if you are older, special arrangements can be made. But regarding this kind of acceptance, you should speak to the Heritage House management.

Both buildings are clean and the staff is very welcoming. It is always very special being in the Old City and especially from the windows in the women's hostel, you can see the sun rising over the Kotel (Western Wall) every morning.
Both hostels have a dairy kosher kitchen and free Internet for their guests. If you check in on a Friday afternoon, you will have Shabbat candle lighting and afterwards everyone goes down to the Kotel in order to meet Jeff Seidel and get a Shabbat placement. Usually with families.

I have to say that this way, I got to know great people and with many of them I became friends. We are still in touch and half of the people I know in the Jewish Quarter, I know through the Heritage House.

Years ago, when I checked in first, the Heritage House used to offer great classes in the evenings. Unfortunately this doesn't seem to exist anymore due to the lack of guests. There are times when there are just not enough guests. A few years ago, countless terror attacks took place in Jerusalem and tourists stayed away. Now, tourism is rising but still, more people should come and visit Israel. Especially Jews.

What people sometimes make consider checking into one of the regular hostels, even Arab, is that the Heritage House is closed during the day. There are different closing hours during the winter and summer period. But during the summer, the hostel generally closes from 9am - 5pm. After 5pm it is open until midnight. There are other times for Shabbat and you can check them out on the Heritage House website.

Despite the curfew, it is still an amazing thing that such a hostel exists at all. As I mentioned before, the head and founder of the Heritage House is Rabbi Me'ir Schuster who is originally from Milwaukee (Wisconsin). He went to Yeshiva and moved to Israel in 1968. When I asked him how he got the whole idea of establishing such a hostel he said that when he first came, there were so many tourists around and people didn't have enough places to stay. Thus, he got his idea.



Rabbi Me'ir Schuster


Since 1972, you can find him walking around in front of the Western Wall and asking Jews if they need a place for Shabbat. First, he used to send such people to different families in the Old City until in 1984, he finally opened up the women's hostel. A few years later, in 1988, the men's hostel was added.

Until now, thousands of Jews have stayed at the Heritage House. Young Jews from all kinds of backgrounds. Many went to programs, others didn't. Rabbi Schuster said that his main goal is sending young Jews to Yeshiva. Well, this might sound too much for the reform, conservative and especially the famous Internet critics. But Yeshiva doesn't mean everything. If a Heritage House guest decides to join a few programs, this already does help him thinking about his Jewish roots. In the US and in the UK, you have an intermarriage rate of 50 % and those young people coming here might think twice about intermarrying when they get back home. I think that this is the most important point. Not everyone is running into a Yeshiva but at least has something more to think about what it means to be Jewish. And in this context, the Heritage House is doing a great job.

When you check in and ask for Yeshivot or programs, they will give you a wide variety. From Aish HaTorah, to Ohr Sameach, to Machon Me'ir and for the women Neve Yerushalaim, Shearim, Nishmat, etc.

Rabbi Schuster would like to expand and open up more places in other parts of the country. They have already done so in eight places. This kind of program is called "Shorashim". The only problem is, as almost everywhere, there is not enough money. The Heritage House lives on donations and at times when there are more donations coming in, more can be done. Only through donations, the hostel can keep up its existence and its own High Holiday programs such as on Rosh HaShana, Yom Kippur and on Sukkot. And in case you have millions of Dollars and don't know how to spend them, the Heritage House is a great opportunity.

The Heritage House on the Internet:

http://www.heritage.org.il/

In our times, Kiruv is an important matter. Jews always have to think of their religion, heritage, history and task in this world. And those of us who haven't had the possibility learning about Judaism should at least make a small effort. It doesn't mean that next week you live in Boro Park or Mea Shearim and dress up as a Haredi. But it rather means to get a kind of awareness about what it means to be a Jew.

Nothing but Pork

B"H

Since the foundation of the State of Israel (1948) and even many years earlier, the population was mostly secular. Let alone the ruling governments. However, there had always been a certain limit of how far secularism could rule. When it came up to Yom Kippur, for instance, even secular Jews kept it because it is a tradition and the highest Jewish holiday. Besides Yom Kippur, many Jewish traditions were kept. Maybe not too much from the German Jews who especially came to Israel in the 30ies but from their counterparts from Russia, Hungary or Poland.

At that time, Germany was already so much reform that many Jews just didn't care anymore and considered themselves as "real" assimilated Germans who didn't need to have anything to do with old traditions. Times had changed and also a Jews had to be modern. In Eastern Europe, on the other hand, still more traditions were kept and countless orthodox people (such as Chassidim and Litvaks) lived there.

When the Jemenite Jews came to Israel the late 40ies and early 50ies, it became obvious that especially those Jews had kept the Torah for all the years being in the Diaspora. The same with the Persian, Iraki, Moroccan or Kurdish Jews. We can definitely say that until today, sephardic Jews are more traditonal than ashkenazi Jewry. Among other things, the dream of a real sephardic mother is seeing her son marrying a nice Jewish sephardic girl. Furthermore, the kitchen had to be kosher. Not super kosher but certain basic rules were kept.

In our modern world with videos, DVDs or Internet, many things have changed and many Jews started watching videos on Yom Kippur (there is no TV whatsoever in Israel on this holiday). Otherwise Yom Kippur would be too boring. People fast but watch movies in order to make time go by faster.

The "new" secularism reached its peak when the new immigrants (Olim Chadashim) from Russia came to Israel. Especially many of those immigrants took their Aliyah money from the government and invested it in opening non - kosher stores. Of course, there had always been non - kosher food in Israel and the most famous example is a particular Kibbutz raising pigs and selling pork. In the past, however, people kept a little more quiet about the Trefe subject but now, Israelis don't hide it anymore and talk about it publicly and without shame.

From the very beginning, Russian immigrants announced that they would like to have a "Russian Israel". Everything has to be just like in their old country, even the food. A totally insane idea because I am coming from Bavaria and don't start opening a "Bratwurst (sausage)" trade in Israel. It has to be taken into consideration that the vast majority of the Russian immigrants is not halachically Jewish at all and thus not interested in a Jewish state or Jewish religion. They don't make a secret out of being not Jewish and openly pray to idols and walk around with crosses around their necks.

Until today, many Russians insist on their food from "Mother Russia". First they opened pork stores in Beit Shemesh. There, however, haredi population has been constantly growing and within the next ten years or so, Beit Shemesh will be almost entirely haredi. And if this is taking place, the Haredim will kick the Russians out of town if they continue with their old ways.

But there were also protests in the northern town of Kiryat Shemona when the Russians opened pork stores. Unfortunately, within the past few years, haredi demonstrations against Trefe stores became less and less. When another non - kosher grocery store opened in Jerusalem's Agrippas Street a few years ago, the Haredim still protested in front of the entrance but soon later on, nothing happened anymore. Where are Satmar and all the other groups from the Edah HaCharedit ? Where are the Litvish ?

Nevertheless, a new trend came up together with the Trefe store in Agrippas. Now, also Jewish Israelis started opening non - kosher stores just like the Russians. And more and more secular Israelis began buying there. While on holiday trips abroad, Israelis had seen and tasted non - kosher and wanted to introduce the same at home. The grocery chain "Tiv Ta'am" is one of the famous non - kosher success story. And when "Tiv Ta'am" was facing an internal crises about a year ago, especially the Russians started crying again about maybe loosing one of their Trefe sources.

You can find more non - kosher stores in Tel Aviv than in Jerusalem. In certain neighbourhoods, such as the Central Bus Station in south Tel Aviv, pork is highly demanded. I am just pointing out one store near the Central Bus Station called "The Kingdom of Pork Factory" whose customers are mostly Russians, Africans, Filipinos or Thais. The staff in this particular shop consists of Russians. The area around the Central Bus Station has transformed into "pork land" already some time ago, and the shop signs are in Russian, English or Thai.

Not everyone has to live in Mea Shearim or Bnei Brak and keep his house super kosher. On the other hand, Israel is the Holy Land and we, therefore, should show respect to G - d and His Torah. It is sad that no further haredi demonstrations are taking place and everybody just seems to accept the situation. Maybe such demonstrations don't even fit into certain current political concepts.

In Judaism, we have the concept of overcoming our own "Yetzer HaRah - evil side within us" and thus do a Tikun (rectification of the soul). And we are only able to do this when there is Free Will in this world. So, where would be our free will if we all lived in Bnei Brak, Boro Park or Mea Shearim ? By the way, I am not claiming here that those places are totally perfect and so super religious.

Despite all the Trefe stuff in our country, I still try to concentrate on the positive side. When we die, what are we going to tell G - d ? "Oh, I kept kosher because I lived in Mea Shearim and there wasn't any other choice anyway".

How great was our effort to fight our Yetzer and who would be better ? A Jew living in Tel Aviv and resisting all the Trefe temptations or a Jew from kosher Bnei Brak ? Who would get a higher reward ? Only when there is trefe food, we are able to choose and show our inner greatness.

To make it quite clear:
I am not promoting the trade of non - kosher food in Israel but only try seeing something positive in the whole present situation. Otherwise I am completely against non - kosher food in this country and find it disgusting and disrespectful that there exists such a thing.

"Torah Light" versus "G – d's Will"

B"H

What is G – d's will ?
Kabbalistically speaking, G – d is an infinite being without any form or matter. A being we are unable to grasp with our human thoughts and mind. But how do we know what G – d's will is ?
We just have to look into the Torah and know His will. At least we should acknowledge that He created the universe and everything in existence.

He gave us the Torah as instructions about how our life should be. Additionally it says in the Torah that nothing should be taken out or changed. The Torah is eternal.

You can argue that times have changed. Many things mentioned in the Torah don't seem to be up – to – date and therefore not valid anymore. Times have changed and today we need to be flexible and adjust.

Superficially speaking, you might be right but as soon as you take a deeper look into the matter you will realize that many topics mentioned in the Torah apply to each of us. Nothing is out of time because the world hasn't changed and we still face the same problems.

The Jews kept the Torah or they didn't. Directions and specifications such as orthodox, conservative, progressive or reform were unheard of. Jews used to be religious, traditional or nothing until the reform movement started in Germany. I have to state that the first reform Jews kept the Torah; they still kept Shabbat and ate kosher food. But slowly slowly, the Torah became of less importance and the reform movement claimed that it was just a book and not written by G – d anyway. The first opponents of the reform movement were actually the Chassidim and the Litvaks. Right at the beginning, the "orthodox" rabbis saw the danger in the new movement. And they were right.

The reform movement became extremely successful in the United States, and today, the US and England are the most famous negative examples for the effects of the reform. Many statistics show us disastrous results.

Already in the early days, reform Jews started changing Halacha. Kashrut, Shabbat, Third Temple or Meshiach ? Who needs that ? They even introduced their own Sidur (prayer book) where they had erased whole passages written hundreds of years ago. Prayers added by the Sanhedrin were taken out as well. Just a few weeks ago, the head of the world's reform movement, Mr. Joffe, admitted that reform Jews don't have not much left of a Jewish identity. Keeping Shabbat is totally forgotten even if there might be some Shabbat feeling.

Halacha is completely irrelevant to a reform Jew. "What do we care about the Shulchan Aruch (Code of Jewish Law) and the "old" guy Rambam (Maimonides) ? Today we lead a modern life and what do you want ? Leave us alone ?"

Is G – d not modern enough for those Jews making this claim ? Who else is modern enough ?

Everything could be just perfect if there weren't these orthodox Jews bothering. Reform Jews as well as the non – Jewish press see the orthodox as weird fundamentalists who live and dress like 2000 years ago and discriminate their wives. Those who hear this and don't have a clue about orthodox society of course start hating the orthodox. They live in places like Mea Shearim, hang around lazy without work and just keep their ancient laws.
Orthodoxy doesn't recognize the reform movement, as everybody knows. Of course, a reform Jew is a Jew but reform converts are not considered as Jewish at all. We don't need to discuss this matter, as it is a fact.

But what has the reform movement really gained ?
There is not much positive to tell. Thanks to the reform, Jews more and more assimilated and nowadays almost half of the Jewish population is intermarrying. 50% of US Jewry is marrying a non – Jewish spouse. This is just horrifying and many times I meet kids from such mixed marriages who want to study at a Yeshiva in Jerusalem. But only after their orthodox conversion to Judaism. What intermarrying parents don't realize is the identity problem such kids have. But I also heard that especially the non – Jewish parent pushes the kids to accept Christianity.

So, what have the reform gained ?
They erased Halacha, as it is too ancient. The Torah ? Well, a nice old book. And G – d ? He is far away and He simply has to understand that times have changed.

The tragedy is that more and more Jews got lost over the past decades. They are not being taught the basics of the Jewish religion, are totally assimilated and don't have a Jewish tradition anymore. No wonder they start searching for their spirituality somewhere else. In Israel, the extreme left – wing party Meretz used to be a coalition partner in the past. And ministers of education such as Yossi Sarid or Shulamit Aloni abolished Jewish religious studies at schools. Nothing religious whatsoever and today we see the terrible results.

Now the present minister of education, Yuli Tamir, is planning to start a huge PR – campagne for the reform movement. Israeli kids may be taught reform ideology in the near future. Some "Judaism Light" instead of "G – d's will". That's enough. Don't we already have enough knowing nothing about their own religion ? Rambam who ?

In the eyes of reform Jews, the orthodox are wild fanatics who bother. Maybe it is just their own consciences when they claim that the Torah is not valid anymore. I want to do whatever I want and I need an excuse. "Excuse me G – d but you are out of time".
What I see more and more in Tel Aviv is that especially the so – called secular show lots of interest in orthodox Judaism. Not that they are now all on the Teshuva – Trip but what they are searching for is answers. A reform rabbi isn't able answering all their religious questions. Many secular show lots of respect to orthodox society and Chassidut is more than popular. Everyone wants to know more about Chassidut. Despite all the negativity, maybe this gives us some hope

Running away from the Holy City

B"H

As I said many many times before, the most important goal in my life is the search back into haredi society. My biggest problem delaying my decisions and acting is my missing approach. Chassidic society demands a decision. Chassidim want to identify you. What are you now ? Are you Breslov, Satmar, Vishnitz, Zanz or what ? Who is your Rebbe ? Whose decrees and customs are you following ?

As I said many many times before, I am not the person making such a decision. Once I thought that I could do it with Satmar but today, I wouldn't even choose Satmar anymore. The quarrel between the two Rebbes bothers me too much.

As I mentioned many many times before, I once left haredi society due to a personal crises and after a short while of messing around, I have been searching for my way back. But there are certain things blocking me what, on the other hand, bothers me a lot. The worst part of all is to stand a kind of helpless around.

You might call it the Yetzer HaRah (evil side in us) which keeps on listing me all negative reasons possible. If you do this and that, you will end up in a new crises. Or simply speaking: "The haredi life is nothing for you. You have tried, very nice, but face reality and continue your old ways".

With the last argument I cannot live. In my opinion, one who has led a haredi life and then decides to be "less religious" is never going to forget his former life. Even before you eat you think about making a Beracha (blessing). You just cannot help it. Well, if you do eventually make a Beracha or not is up to you but admit that the Halacha of making a Beracha just jumps into your mind.

Some weeks ago, I decided to move from Jerusalem to Tel Aviv. Not really Tel Aviv but I would like to concentrate more on Bnei Brak. In Jerusalem, everything seems to be stuck. I always see the same people, go to the same classes, go to the same rabbis and don't have the feeling that anything is moving anymore. I would like to advance but feel that I cannot do so in Jerusalem.
Of course when you move to a new place there is the danger of first moving on and then being stuck again. That's life !
Wherever you are, you get adjusted and basically end up more or less the same. Life is not a Wild West show where everything is changing form one minute to the next. Maybe sometimes but not on a regular daily basis.

I think the biggest problem holding me back from haredi life is my former experience and the fear of making the same mistakes all over again. Not all of them but some remain which could end up negatively.

I am a creative person and need people around me who think. Not Mr. or Mrs. Nobel Price Winner but open minded intelligent people. And believe it or not, I found those davka more in Tel Aviv. The mind of most Jerusalemites seems to be stuck. If you don't do this or that in a certain way, you are an outsider. It is just like living in a village. As soon as you go to the city you feel free and tolerated. And Jerusalem is anything but tolerant.

In Tel Aviv I want to connect different ways of my own personality because I always suffer from the fear of loosing one of the aspects. I want to connect an intelligent open way of life and a haredi life.

Does this sound completely insane ?
Maybe. Nevertheless, I am still convinced that such a thing does exist.

I don't see it as living openly with a Yetzer. Why should I ?
Wasn't it G - d who created us with different characteristics.
And many of my characteristics don't really fit into a haredi way.
How about creativity in the haredi world ?
Maybe there is more today than there has been a few years ago. Things are changing and improving to the better.
But things are changing slowly and sometimes too slow.

This is why I feel the reason to move. Because I want to combine many things together.

I have no idea if I will succeed but the most positive and greatest part in life is always the try.
So, I keep on trying.

Haredim and Jewish History

B"H

Although the headline only mentions "Haredim", this article concerns all kinds of Haredim. Chassidim and Litvishe and not to forget, the national religious.

The thing I always realize anew is that today's Yeshivot mostly leave out one subject: Jewish history.

The Yeshiva curriculum wants the students to study Torah, Talmud, Halachot and Mussar or Chassidut but when it comes to Jewish history, religious students hardly know anything. It goes without saying that also from the Talmud we learn plenty of history. Nevertheless, all the details let alone facts are not always given. Furthermore many worldly events as well as political intrigues are not mentioned. The history of new Babylonian Talmudic centers after the Second Temple destruction is mentioned in the Talmud, however later events such as the destruction of the "Reish Galuta – the ancestors of King David" happened too late and haven't found a place in the Gemara anymore. And who knows about "Bustenai", one of the last, if not the last ancestor of King David ? He later married a non – Jew and the leading rabbis decided that his children are to be considered as Jewish because they didn't want to endanger the existence of the House of King David.

But we don't need to look as far as Babylon. Who of today's Yeshiva students does learn details about Jews once becoming Hellenists ? Who knows about the real events leading to the Second Temple destruction ? And what about later periods ? How great was the Islamic influence in Judaism ? Didn't the Spanish Jews take over many Islamic expressions from their landsmen ?

A brief look at the book "The Kuzari – Al Khazari" by Rabbi Yehudah HaLevi (1075 – 1141) is already enough. Many times, the author uses Arabic expressions and tries to fit them into Judaism or the Hebrew language. At the early Middle Ages, Jews living in Spain spoke Arabic anyway.

How much did philosophers and even Chritianity influence Judaism ?
Just have a look at the Spanish Kabbalist Rabbi Avraham Abulafia from the Middle Ages. It is said that he used to have close contacts to monks. A very difficult and wide subject and I might write about it more detailed in the future.
Until today, many religious Jews refuse to study the Kabbalah of Rabbi Abulafia. And if they don't refuse it, they study it extremely carefully, as there is a claim that he underwent some Christian influences.

Nevertheless, despite a tight curriculum, isn't it important to learn more history and thus about your own roots ?
An acquaintance of mine, a Chassid, is even writing a book about philosophical influences in Judaism. By the way, he is not the first let alone the only one. Already the Rambam (Maimonides) was a great philosopher and dealt with the famous Greek philosophers.

It is a real pity that science is not a subject in today's Yeshivot anymore. Especially science teaches us more about G – d's greatness and His Creations and I have no explanation why is completely disappeared from the curriculums. Instead, Yeshiva students learn Mishnayiot and Sugiot from the Talmud. If possible, by heart and then they are proud of themselves. If the Rambam or even the Vilna Gaon entered a Yeshiva today and were looking at the curriculum they would probably faint. Why did this happen ? Once, rabbis also used to be great scientist, philosophers and even astronomers. But when you look at them today, there is hardly anything coming out of their mouth except Talmudic concepts. It seems that in our times the most important halachic discussions are being held about setting up Mechitzot in synagogues or Israeli buses in order to make them "kosher – men and women are being separated".

I have absolutely no idea how one could change the present situation. How could someone convince a Yeshiva to extend its curriculum ? Even the first Hesder Yeshivot, I think it was back in Poland, were rejected as too modern. The original idea of the haredi Beit Yaakov girl's school was providing haredi girls with a higher education. And what happened later ? Just look at the Israeli Beit Yaakov today. The only thing the girls learn is some basic Torah knowledge, a little Rashi here and there, cooking, ironing and how to build a family. However, the Beit Yaakov situation in London or New York is very different from the Israeli one. In the Diaspora, Beit Yaakov is much more advanced as in Israel.

The question arises why no one of the students complaints to the teachers. Of course, when you are young, you don't know. The whole day you hear from the teachers that the so – called secular studies are dangerous and only turn you into an Apikores (Heretic) but to me it seems that even the teachers have no idea what they are talking about. What do they know about science and its importance ? They have never learned it either.

So, call it a brainwash from early age. Young students learn that this is Apikores. And those ones who are interested have to keep their studies secret in order not to be thrown out of the Yeshiva.

When I speak to Haredim about this issue, most of them do agree and the older ones among them think that it really is a shame that today's students don't know their own history, philosophy or scientific matter. I admit that philosophy is not for everyone but history and science are extremely important subjects.

Far and Close

B"H

Although I really would like to join chassidic society with all its customs and laws, I am not able to do so. The Simple Jew once wrote me a comment that there are people who, for whatever reason, cannot let go their former life or behaviour. I totally agree with him and I am probably the living example for it. I cannot let go and the question always coming up is if someone should let go ? Forget everything and start a new life. In this case chassidic.
There are definitely groups such as Chabad or Breslov where you can join and at the same time, don't have to forget about your former lifestyle. You don't just have to make a cut and that's it. Forget about your secular family and friends. Just associate with other Chassidim and tell anyone beyond society to bounce off.

There are times when I seriously want to give up everything but reality doesn’t let me do so. I know myself to well and I would not be able to let go certain things in my life. Things I do consider as important. Maybe you don't but I like watching movies, reading novels, talk to all kinds of people and go to the beach.
Of course, I could replace all of this and my list might sound trivial to you. Going to a mall and having a cup of coffee. Sitting in a cafe together with men and woman. No separation and an "only" Hechsher (kosher certificate) from the Rabbanut Yerushalaim. Or wasting time by watching a stupid Hollywood movie or having a beer. Well, at least I don't smoke.

Once I had a flatmate who gave up everything in her life in order to lead a chassidic life style. She still talked to her parents and visited them but sent a letter to her former class mates in which she officially told them to "F… off" (excuse my words !!!). The class mates were shocked but, at the same time thought, that she is nuts.

When I was facing one of my crises, it was my flatmate telling me that I should stop dealing with anything but chassidic. No more national religious let alone secular or, Chas ve'Chaliah, not Jewish. I knew that in a way she was right but thought that I couldn't do this. Just dump all the friends and look for the perfect chassidic ones. In a way this would be too boring. Behaving all the time and not being able telling certain sarcastic jokes. Many female Baalot Teshuva (newly religious) drive me nuts when they claim that everything is Lashon HaRah (gossip, idle talk). Sometimes you feel that you cannot say anything anymore because a woman stares at you and says "Lashon HaRah". One Chabadnikit even suggested that I should show all my blog articles to my rabbi before I publish them. I was ready to kill her.

And especially those are the moments when I run away because I need a free society. Besides all my movies and novels, I need tolerant people and cannot deal with this called "so holy women praying all the time and not speaking Lashon HaRah". Well, at least they consider themselves as so holy but when you look closer they are just the opposite.

Sometimes I am happy when I am close to Chassidim and Chassidut but sometimes I also need my distance and freedom. Let's suppose I became chassidic and moved into a certain neighbourhood. I couldn't bear people watching me all the time. Does she keep this, does she pray enough…..

I admit that I am far from being happy with the whole situation. In a way I am not here and there. On the other hand, there are times when I am glad that I am neither here nor there. Psychologists would call it fear of settling somewhere permanently. Maybe this is that case, but not only. I am a person who many times needs a change and being stuck in a close society where I am unable to express myself in whatever way is not for me. Or do you honestly think that I could continue writing on the Internet ? Maybe unanimously but not under a real name. What would my holy neighbours think ?

Now everyone of you is waiting for a solution. Seriously, I don't see a solution. Either I become chassidic or I continue my "far and close way". Either I make a move or I don't.
At the moment, however, I am not moving.