Choices to Make

B"H

Since I intensely started studying about Judaism (which has now been for about 13 years), I have been using the chances to look into many different directions within Orthodoxy. And because I got to know various directions, I could not make up my mind which one to join. I am definitely not Chabad or Breslov although I studied with both groups. I am definitely not national religious although I studied with the movement for quite a while.

Chassidut as well as Kabbalah teach us about soul roots. I have to find my soul root in order to connect to Judaism and especially to know where exactly to connect. Jews who were not born religious have to find an approach to religious life if they decide to keep Mitzwot. What kind of ideas bring me closer to my religion ? What do I like studying and what does apply to me ? Is it Torah, prayer, Mussar (ethics), Halachot, history, philosophy, Talmud or whatever.Today, many newcomers also start with kabbalistic or spiritual approaches. The first steps are very important because it is the very beginning leading you somewhere. Not always true, as people may start off as litvish and, later on become chassidic etc. However, the first steps can form your inner being and approach. You find out about your personal strength. For instance, what you like to learn and how. On what kind of topic you should concentrate. Basic Jewish studies should take place with a Rabbi in a program or in Yeshiva. Don't try the "Do - it - yourself" - method and just buy some books and start reading. First your mindset has to get organized and later on you can still go on studying by yourself.

Especially in Jerusalem you have plenty of choices where to go to. Hundreds of different synagogues, chassidic, national religious, litvish, programs, whatever you dream of. What I personally like very much is talking to all those people. At the National Library in Jerusalem I have been meeting many Haredim. Mostly Chassidim who, at such a place, open up and even talk to women. Most of the people I have been meeting are busy writing books on Judaism like one Chassid writing a book on how Greek philosophy influenced Judaism. It is from those kind of people I learn most, as they usually have a vast knowledge and, additionally they talk to women; at least at the library. And it is those guys also sometimes questioning and criticizing their own society.

I found out for myself what I actually like to study and with what kind of people I like o deal with. All those holy books and commentaries are tremendously important but you should still remain a thinking person and not get carried away too far. One Chassid told me that he does everything his Rebbe says. Once, so he told me, he found the perfect Shidduch and intended to marry that woman. He went to his Rebbe who advised him not to marry her. Thus, he ended up not marrying her which he regrets until today. I asked him why he didn't just marry this particular woman. The Rebbe can say whatever he likes but there are issues which should remain private personal. "You see, the Chassid said, this is why you are not a member of a chassidic group. You cannot listen to any Rebbe".

There are so many different directions and choices and after all those year I realized that I don't fit in anywhere. Sometimes I am here and tomorrow I am there. Without running after acceptance or wanting to be a firm part of any group. First I thought that there must be something wrong with me. Everyone else seemed to have a place within society and I was just wandering around. After a certain time I just got used to it and now I feel very comfortable with being independent. Not free from G - d but free from society, pressure and expectations. Furthermore, I am able to write whatever I want and don't have to think of consequences from my personal direction.

Not everyone is made to fit in and there are plenty of people who are religious, study but still remain critical and independent.