A Case of "Chutzpah"

B"H

Each of us newcomer to religion (Chosrei Be'Teshuva) knows it. Each of us has had such experiences. Don't lie and be honest. And each of us was upset. We might have said to ourselves: "Okay, people only try to help us. Or people just don't know how to behave. In other words, they don't think or are just anything but academic."

The main thing is that we were upset and angry. We might have smiled in order to be polite but deep inside we felt very different. We were hurt.

There were times that when it happened to me, I even thought about leaving religious society. I was simply fed up and asked myself if I really need this. I thought that those people are nothing. How can they say this to me, as I am an academic ? And who are they ? Nevertheless, I realized that it was only the people and NOT G - d or religion. So, I didn't leave, as I am not religious because of society but because of G - d.
You can think that I am arrogant and selfish. Maybe.
But don't forget to admit that you have the same thoughts which turn all of us arrogant.

It seems that "Chosrei Be"Teshuva" as well as converts to Judaism are the main aim of many born religious. Some born (not all of them) Haredim obviously feel a need to tell newcomers what to do and how to behave. You are constantly reminded of not being like them. They always approach you with a friendly face. They even correct you in polite words. They make it look like they only want to help you avoiding mistakes. "Chas veChalilah".

Although they put on their friendly face, every word hits you like a fist into your stomach. These situations are the worst test for anyone entering haredi society. However, it can happen anywhere; even in the national religious world. But within the haredi society it hurts you even more.

Look at you. You are doing any possible effort in order to get accepted. You are so great or at least, try to be so great. You keep the Mitzwot more than 100%. You send your kids to Beit Yaakov or Talmud Torah. You are so kosher. Everything works out just perfect. And then comes a time when someone criticizes you. It might be only something small like a hint. However, it hurts. And most of these "hints" are unnecessary or stupid anyway.

Those are the moments when born Haredim destroy your self - esteem. You start to question yourself. Why are you doing all this ? Wouldn't it be better to live in a "normal" society and keep the Mitzwot there ? For what do I need all these Haredim ?

Throughout my own haredi life I saw many people getting upset. They didn't show it but they were hurt. Even ashamed.
A few days ago, I witnessed such a "hint" given by a chassidic woman. I am not going into details and I am avoiding mentioning the group's name.

The problem many female elderly converts to Judaism face is that according to Halacha, they do not have to cover their hair even if they were married in their former lives. They were married when they were still a Gentile but got divorced for whatever reason. Then they decided to convert to Judaism and Halacha does not consider them as divorced. They are simply singles, as their former life, let alone a marriage to a Gentile doesn't count. As soon as someone converts to Judaism (orthodox), he is a new person with a Jewish soul.

Many women convert when they are in their 40ies, 50ies or even 60ies. As long as they are not married to another Jew, they are not obligated to wear a head cover. But as soon as they enter a haredi synagogue or even talk to Haredim, they are being observed carefully. As the Haredim women don't know that they are converts, they think that those women probably don't know that they should cover their hair. The Harediot simply assume that women in their 50ies without a head cover must be divorced and are thus, obligated to wear a head cover. However, converts don't.
And if then they come up to a convert and try to correct her, the convert is confused. Should she tell her story or rather not ? Why should everybody know anyway ?

Before becoming so eager about telling other people what to do, especially Harediot should start thinking. There is always a benefit of a doubt (Kaf S'chut). Maybe the person has her reason or maybe she really doesn't know. But even if, is it davka your duty to go over and tell other people ?

G - d loves sincere converts and Jews turning to religion.
However, especially the Jews sometimes react differently. And this is not G - d's fault but only the people. Sometimes you really try doing something and then you feel turned away. This is the moment when many Jews turn away from religion and give up.

Many pushy Haredim don't even realize what Chilul HaShem they cause. This is a pity for both sides.

Instead of being so eager correcting others you should rather work on yourself.