The Right Way Out ?

B"H

Anyone reading this blog on a regular basis knows that I am dealing a lot with the subject of religious Jews (in particular Haredim) who are planning or have already left religious society. This subject is very important too me, as I once, at a certain point of my life, have left haredi society myself.
However, when I "left", I didn't really intend to leave and therefore the word "leave" didn't really apply to me. Let's rather call it "taking a break". To you "taking a break" might sound like an excuse for taking time off and messing around. The first few weeks, it definitely was like that; some kind of messing around and not keeping too much (or nothing). Forget about the Mitzwot for a while and after some weeks or months come back.

Of course, there is a danger in such kind of behaviour. When you are so fed up with religion, society and yourself, it is better to take a break than remaining constantly in depression and start doubting everything. I didn't want to leave religion let alone G - d; as I described, I simply was fed up with a pushy haredi society and with pushing myself.

However, you cannot just decide to go out, put a big piece of ham into your mouth and thus show your rebellion. Make it clear to society that you are fed up and don't give the famous damn. The Haredim react in different ways and I was surprised to experience that. Only very few reacted with disgust but the majority showed some form of patience. They said that it is just a short period in my life and then I will return to religion anyway.

I decided to take some time off, see something else and think about something else. So, I went to Germany where everything is totally different. What I forgot to take into consideration was that there, no one would know what I am talking about at all. In Germany, Jews don't have a clue about Israeli or New York haredi life. They see a Chabadnik and think that they are in the middle of Mea Shearim. Almost all of my friends were Gentiles anyway. Germany is not like England or the States where you are able to find plenty of Jewish friends. If you don't live in Frankfurt, Munich or Berlin, you just don't have Jewish friends, as there are none. Unless you are looking for some reform converts. And who needs them ?

The whole subject is still in my mind because I was never able to find a solution why it happened to me and how I should get out of this. I know that as soon as I would ask an orthodox rabbi, especially a chassidic rabbi, he would answer me that I should make a move and do something instead of weeping around. Act and don't sit and think. Maybe this is my problem, who knows. Nevertheless, I am always of the search for the perfect solution and maybe I should first be looking for the root of the problem instead of jumping into something anew.

For me it turned out very positive by taking some time off. Although the "off - time" is anything but enjoyable. As soon as you do the opposite of keeping the Mitzwot, the guilt feeling starts crawling into your thoughts. Once on a lunch break, I entered a certain German butcher store and asked for an anything but a kosher sandwich. The moment I ordered it I thought that everybody in this particular shop would cry out and tell me to leave. "This meat is not for you. You have to keep kosher."

But it was not the guilt feeling letting me come back to religion. After a while I simply thought that all the messing around is stupid and doesn't make any sense. This was the moment when I took my religious books out of the closet and started rethinking my crises.

As I said before, I never wanted to leave religion but only a break. I once heard from a rabbi that a religious crises can be positive. Of course, you can fall very deep but when you finally get out, you might even be on a higher level than before. Especially Rabbi Nachman of Breslov warns in writings against depression and does speak positive about a return.
I can imagine that there are many people like me. Not everybody is made for being in a sometimes pushy haredi society. When you are born into society, it is even harder to realize that you are at the wrong place.

A few days ago I looked at the website of the Israeli organization "Hillel". Hillel helps Haredim who want to leave society in order to start a new life. A new life which has nothing to do with religion. Someone who has made up his mind can call Hillel. The number is on the Internet but due to security reasons, Hillel avoids mentioning its address. They used to have some violent revenge reactions going on when Haredim stormed their office some years ago.

When I was in the middle of my own crises years ago, I held the phone number of Hillel in my hand and thought about calling them. Then I knew their location and was sitting for three hours in a park right across their office. In the end I decided not to call.
A national religious social worker had warned me. As soon as you enter the Hillel program, you can forget about religion. They give you a place to live, maybe a job, send you out to get some education and reorganize your life. Volunteers will help you. However, their main goal is to get you away from religion.

But what about when you are at the moment fed up but only temporarily ? What if you take time off but you intend to return later on ? Especially then Hillel is not the right place, as they are totally secular. Imagine, you are showing up with your personal emotional baggage and a secular Hillel volunteer is organizing your life. What does he know about what you are going through ?
In Jerusalem, maybe also at other place, the municipalities offer much better solutions. They have special social workers who try to make a compromise between runaways and their parents. A solution I prefer much more and in the end turns out to be more effective. Even when you decide to leave, it is always better keeping up a relationship with your parents. In this respect, Hillel fails, as their intention is not a compromise between the runaway and his former environment. But everybody has to decided for himself what is best for him.

If you are only on your "off time", Hillel is a waste of time. So, what then is the best way for you ? Talking to a rabbi or competent social worker ? Even if not, after a while you will eventually find yourself somehow, and then slowly make your decisions and slowly come back.