Message for the Desperate

B"H

It seems like it always happens to me.
I enter a room and all the desperate in the world start looking at me; let alone would like to talk to me. Somehow I seem to attract them and until last Shabbat, I couldn't even figure out why.

A few times before I mentioned that especially at the extreme chassidic group of Toldot Aharon, I seem to attract desperate girls. So far, I have had two cases.
The first one last September when a girl who I had only seen before once, sat down next to me at a Tish and desperately wanted to talk to me. She appeared out of the blue and asked me if I remember her. First I wanted to tell her the truth and say "NO" but there was something desperate in her eyes and I couldn't resist. So, I said "YES", and she immediately smiled and sat down. She wanted to talk but we were placed behind the Rebbitzen and there were just too many women around. The whole situation scared me a lot and I was glad that no conversation took place.

My second case I had almost two weeks ago. Again at the Toldot Aharon Synagoge during Shacharit. I don't want to go into all the details but another young and obviously newly married woman started starring at me. With same desperate look.

Maybe I sound nuts but that's the way it happened.
I just thought "Oh no, not again". However, the girl sat next to her mother who took her home after some time.

Last Shabbat, my friend and I went to the Toldot Aharon split off, the Toldot Avraham Yitzchak. And you won't believe what happened. Have a guess.

After a short while my friend said that I should carefully look to the left. I did and saw another young obviously newly married woman starring at me. Starring so obvious that even my friend saw it.
We starred and the girl starred but at least, I tried to make it not too obvious. She however, wasn't bothered when we saw her.
When she disappeared after some time, we were released. In the meantime I had also started a conversation with some other Avraham Yitzchak women. We talked and talked and suddenly I looked at the top of the metal benches. And guess who was sitting there ?
The desperate girl hadn't gone home, as we supposed, but instead moved closer. I almost fainted.

My friend and I always call them desperate because they look like they just got married and are unhappy. Unhappy in their marriage, unhappy with their lives, whatever. We can only assume because we don't know anything for sure.

The question is why they stare at me. Why ?
According to my friend they see me coming in and I am different from them. I wear modern clothes and not the chassidic uniform, if I may call it by this name. Well, at least not the Avraham Yitzchak "uniform".

I am different and this fact attracts certain women in the group. Maybe they would like to talk to an outsider. Talk about different issues and not only about religion or Chassidut in a whole. Call it curiosity. Maybe they want advice from someone else or whatever.

I was unable to find a satisfying answer and so was my friend.
At the third meal (Seudat Shlishit) however, I described the situation to another friend who is also a doctor. I thought that she might have a suggestion why it happens particularly to me.
And yes, she had. She told me the following which is true and I appreciate her answer very much.

"You know why ? Because they see you coming to them many times. And many times you speak to different group members. You don't only ask them curious questions, as all the others do, but you talk about different subjects. Such as religion, for instance. It doesn't matter what, but they feel that you care. You just don't come like all the others - run in, ask your questions, don't care and just walk out. You don't simply leave them after five minutes, and this is why they would like to talk."

This is my friend's answer and she is right. I sometimes probably care too much.

Before I got this for me perfect answer, someone asked me the following:

"So, let's say, one of these young women came up to you and started telling you her personal problems. They are unhappy, their husband is not the dream guy and they feel that their life is just miserable. What would your answer be ? How would you react and what would you tell them ?"

If this kind of situation should ever take place, I would feel very much reminded of my own situation. Leaving haredi society and even religion for a while. Only an ignorant person could easily say: "Oh, I have the perfect answer. Leave Mea Shearim and religion. Be free and do whatever you want."
This is ignorant and stupid and whoever suggested such a thing would be an idiot who doesn't care about a person at all.

Once, a few years ago, I was confronted with a similar case and it was an awful feeling. However, this case was different because the Chassid I knew didn't care about G - d and religion. There was no G - d for him and all the stories and Torah were only a big ferrytale.

Believe it or not, I can accept that. Such a person shouldn't force himself being chassidic or religious. Leave them alone and they might even come back to religion later. Who knows ? Maybe they need some time off.

The young women - cases are different. They are religious and want to remain it. Rather they are unhappy with their lives. Let's assume a bad Shidduch or simply curiosity about life.

What has a young chassidic woman of an extreme chassidic group to expect ? Go to school, help your mother in the household and look for a Shidduch. Then you probably get a guy you don't even know (yuck), and additionally you have to shave off your hair. Have children and build a life. Be a good mother and religious.
Is this life ?
In a religious sense surely YES.

Coming from the outside world, I have no difficulties whatsoever finding some understanding for these young women. First of all, not every Jew is made for the chassidic society. Of course, when you are born this way, you don't really have much of a choice. Just like these young woman. What do you do ? You follow the rules and if you don't, you are an outlaw. Do you want to be an outlaw ? Do you want to leave ?

What is waiting for you outside ? A society you don't know at all. A careless and sometimes brutal society. If you don't have understanding parents and / or a rebbe who cares, you are alone. Alone in a new society which doesn't care where you are coming from. No one cares about your stories; no one is able to understand your past.

You have no worldly education and suddenly you are pushed to be just like them. Assimilate. If not, you are an outlaw again.
Where is all the care from your chassidic group ? Where are your friends and your ideals ?

Very soon you will miss your chassidic group and then what ?
Make your way back ? Yes or no ?

Especially for chassidic girls this can be an extremely different matter even if there is help from social workers (at least in Israel).

My answer to my friend's question was that I would try keeping the young women (also a man) within the chassidic group. Not to leave her life behind if she doesn’t want to. If she only wants to get rid of her husband or solve other problems, fine. I am sure that there must be a solution and a way out. Never ever would I recommend to leave, as I know how hard it is.

Leave, have a great life, be free and no more group pressure. That's great.

But what about your feeling guilty all the time ?
Feeling guilty to have left the group and feeling guilty before G - d ? What about your former perfect religious way ? And now G - d says: "What" ?

You would be very alone with your guilt feelings because no outsider will know what you are talking about. No one.
You can leave but wherever you go - your feelings of guilt accompany you. Whatever you do - you feel it even if you sometimes forget about it.

I hope it will never happen that one of the young women is going to talk to me, as it is not my intention solving internal group problems. But if, I would do my utmost keeping her where she is and try to find a social worker within, and if impossible, outside the group. But someone religious.

Hopefully the situation will never happen although the desperate look at me.