Not welcomed ?

B"H

Two recent events caused me to spend lots of thoughts on some society matters.

Last Shabbat I was invited for lunch by a chassidic family in Mea Shearim. Our host told me that the night before, she had advised a young newly religious woman not to jump into Chassidut.

Although I don't know if this young woman was a convert to Judaism or a Baalat Teshuva (born Jews who become religious later on in their life), I don't necessary agree to the idea of telling someone not to do something. Especially not when it is about finding one's right direction within Orthodox Judaism. Our host, on the other hand, insisted on her idea that a newly religious Jew should first learn basics; those basics mainly include Torah and Halachot. Only when I know the basics and build myself a fundament, I am able to reach stability. I have to know Halachot (how to keep Shabbat or how to cook kosher) and only then I can search for my personal direction: national religious, litvish or chassidish.
Not doing it like Chabad throwing their newcomers into mysticism without learning Halachot or any other preparation. This way, one cannot build up a proper basis.

Yesterday, I had a similar experience, as the subject was a little the same.

A certain Chassid asked me if I know any frum girls under the age of 26, as he wants to marry off his sons. I told him that I know some girls from the litvishe Yeshiva "Neve Yerushalaim" but they are litvish and not chassidic. The Chassid wasn't interested because he only wants to marry off his sons to girls who grew up chassidic and not became Baalei Teshuva or converted to Judaism. I asked him why and he gave me several good reasons.

First of all it is always a mess when the parents of the future spouse are either secular or not Jewish at all. It causes too many problems and misunderstandings. The second point he made is that a newcomer (either convert or Baal Teshuva) is many times mentally or emotionally unstable. It is not a good idea marrying off a born Chassid to a girl who converted. The religious newcomer has false expectations and cannot master the chassidic life. Getting adjusted in a totally different lifestyle is anything but easy and the born chassidic spouse cannot understand all the crises of the newcomer. Suddenly the newcomer wants to watch a movie or listen to pop music. This doesn't work.

Many chassidic groups don't force their members to marry someone from within the same group. Of course, if someone marries out of the group, the future spouse should somehow fit into the former lifestyle and have the same basic concepts and ideas. For instance, Boyan fits with Karlin, Chernobyl or Bobov. Chabad doesn't fit anywhere, as they only marry within the group and don't even teach other chassidic concepts.

Our Shabbat host married off her daughters to guys from different chassidic groups; although her group belongs to the Edah HaCHaredit. I had an interesting and long talk with one of her daughters who is married to a Bobover Chassid. I asked her if she didn't underwent many changes in her chassidic life ?
"No, not at all", she said. When she started looking for a Shidduch she told her father what kind of a guy she wants. However, she didn't mention any chassidic groups or preferences. First she cared about finding the right future husband.

Chassidic Shidduchim are always interesting to me, as it really makes me think how people deal with the whole situation of not really knowing the future spouse but still getting married. It is never easy making the right choices in life. It doesn't matter if it is Kiruv or Shidduch. There are always plenty of challenges and crises waiting. And especially Baalei Teshuva should be realistic and not set their expectations too high.

In case you know girls under the age of 26 who grew up chassidic and are looking for a Shidduch just let me know and I will start my life as a Shadchanit.