I don't belong here anymore

B"H

I had this experience many many times: For years I had been participating in a certain program (frame), go to a certain rabbi and join the Shiurim, and suddenly everything comes to an end. Sometimes not too suddenly and it turns out to be a slow process.
Going somewhere else, meeting new people and rabbis, listening to other Shiurim, is nothing bad. And it doesn't necessarily have to mean that all the former programs and friends are completely forgotten. However, life is changing and a persons needs to advance and improve. This is very human and doesn't only apply to religion.

On the other hand, there are many things I always stick to and I would never abandon them. Example: chassidic life.
Although I am definitely not dressed chassidic (at least not at the moment) and I am not a member of any specific group, I do identify myself with chassidic society. In other words, I would never leave my participation and suddenly only turn to be litvish oder national religious.

Last Shabbat I spontaneously decided to go to a rabbi I hadn't seen for some time. For years, I used to go to his house almost every Shabbat. Shiur and Seudat Shlishit (third meal). Suddenly I stopped for different reasons. One of the reasons was that I realized that I only went because this particular rabbi sometimes doesn't have too many guests and I felt a kind of sorry for him. I never told him my reasons but rather claimed to be too busy at the moment.
Him, his wife and other participants kept on asking me for months why I stopped coming. But as life goes on, after a while, no one asked anymore.

Then, last Shabbat, I went back. Only once, I said to myself.
There was a great welcoming but somehow it wasn't the same anymore. Of course, it was the same place, same dishes, same Shiur, same rabbi and the same participants. However, I just felt that it wasn't my thing anymore.

The Rabbi gave a Derasha (speech) on the Torah portion but I hardly listened. Instead I was angry at myself why I had gone in the first place. I felt totally displaced. It was nice, thanks, I will never forget about you but now it is time to move on, those where exactly my thoughts.

As I already mentioned, there are things which never leave me. And I think that it is very important to concentrate on the issues which seem to be important to your inner self. I see it as a sign to continue and even improve the connection, as, for instance, chassidic studies and society.