Intense Exhaustion

B"H

As I have written many times before, about ten years ago I was very active in the Jerusalem religious scene. Haredim, shiurim, synagogues, you name it. Due to a personal crisis I left haredi society and moved to Germany in order to get my life sorted out. I decided to look at everything form a distance and then decide how I should continue. In Germany, I had my distance but started missing haredi life and everything connected to it very fast.

Back in Israel I renewed almost all my former contacts. Nevertheless, one thing I really promised myself:
Never ever would I jump into haredi society and make the same mistakes all over again. I just didn't want to face another nervous breakdown. And believe it or not, everything went fine. Although I have been in constant contact with the Haredim and even try to make my way back, I have been able to keep my distance successfully. I am not getting involved too much and I don't exaggerate. And I would like to give the same advice to any religious newcomer.

My success is based on the following:
A few days a week I am totally involved in haredi activities but, at the same time, the other few days of the week, I keep my distance. Three days here, three days there, and Shabbat I spend entirely haredi.

So far, everything worked out great. I haven't had any problems for almost eight years. First I feared that the fact that I write about religion and the haredi world and especially the intensive dealings with the Chassidut would throw me back into the old crisis. But nothing happened.

However, I almost ran into a crisis when a few months ago, a very young woman came up to me at a chassidic Tish and wanted to talk to me. She came out of the blue, sat down next to me and made clear that she would like to talk to me. I had only seen the woman once before but this had been weeks ago. And although I had seen her before, we had never exchanged even one word. And suddenly, one night, she stood in front of me and asked if I remember her. I was so shocked that I almost fell off the metal bench.

I figured that the young woman had only got married recently and since has been looking desperate. When she approached me I was shocked. First of all, I have enough personal problems figuring out my religious life and I thought that I really don't need to listen to other people going through any kind of crisis.
Secondly talking about certain issues with Chassidim could cause me and the young woman problems with the group itself, and one of my most important rules is not to get involved into any internal policies of the chassidic groups. This would be far too delicate and dangerous.

Fortunately or maybe unfortunately (who knows ?), our conversation didn't take place.

Since I started dealing and writing about chassidic groups, I haven't faced any emotional difficulties. Usually I go to a group, to their synagogue, to the Tishes, I talk to people and sometimes I don't have a conversation. During the week I mostly take off and get my distance if no special event is coming up.
However, since last Shabbat, everything is becoming a little different.

I have been to many chassidic synagogues and normally when I walk in, the women look at me for a short time but as soon as I open my Sidur (prayer book) and mind my own business, they go back to their prayers. No one cares unless I ask something about where we are and why the Rebbe or Rabbi is doing such and such. After the service it sometimes turns out that I talk to different women and sometimes I just leave. It depends on my mood and on the people.

Last Shabbat morning, after I entered the Toldot Aharon synagogue in Mea Shearim, I was never really left alone. When I arrived at 10:00 am, there weren't too many women present. The majority only came at about 10:30am. As I already know a few women, I spotted them out and said "Gut Shabbes". Nevertheless, I am not the creepy kind of person and I sat down further away from them. I was sitting on my own, as I also wanted to be left alone because I was still sleepy. And to me prayer service on Shabbat is very important. I want to concentrate on the prayer service and not talk around.
I chose a seat right behind the white metal Mechitzah and started looking for the right page in my Sidur. After only a few seconds, a Toldot Aharon woman sat down next to me and paid attention that I didn't find the right page in the Sidur right away. She didn't hesitate and was extremely helpful showing me the right page.
I must say that all the present women were very friendly. Nevertheless, it was almost impossible for me to concentrate on any spirituality. I always had the pressure feeling to do everything right. A hundred per cent. Doing everything right means lot's work and concentration. The women spoke to me during the whole service (except for the Torah reading, of course).

"We are saying this verse now. Oh, you don't have it in your Sidur and you don't know our customs."

"The Rebbe just walked out in order to take a short break."

"What have you learned so far in the Yeshivot ?"

"Do you know this and that chassidic group ? If yes, what do you think about them ?"

"Do you know this Rebbe and that Rebbe ?"

"And what is your opinion about this and that custom ?"

One woman offered me sweets, as it was Shabbat Chatan. First I refused to accept the sweets and told her to take them rather for her grandchildren. She smiled and insisted on me putting the sweets into my pocket. A few seconds later, the same woman shouted: "Shemonah Esrei (an important prayer in Jewish liturgy). Everyone just standing around hurried to a right spot in order to start the Shemonah Esrei.

Usually after the Kaddish at the end, we say "Aleinu". I was prepared but suddenly I heard a different prayer which I didn't know. Another woman standing next to me explained that the Rebbe has a custom to say another verse. A Toldot Aharon custom.

After the service I was emotionally finished. I had a headache and felt completely exhausted. Standing outside, I started breathing and enjoyed the fresh air.

To make it very clear:

All the women were extremely nice and helpful. No one ever pushed me around or went on my nerves.
But what happened was that I entered into my own personal emotional crisis. Everything was just too much for me. Too intense. It is the group's intensity which I have never felt in any other chassidic group.

This evening, I am going back to Toldot Aharon, as one of the grandsons of Rebbe David Kahn is getting married. And this coming Shabbat is another Shabbat Chatan.
I am definitely going to today's wedding but I still haven't made up my mind about Shabbat.

Let's say I am going to the Tish on Erev Shabbat and for Shacharit (morning prayer), intensity will be unbelievable high. Especially because I am not anonymous anymore. The women know me already. Some of them even by name.