Far and Close

B"H

Although I really would like to join chassidic society with all its customs and laws, I am not able to do so. The Simple Jew once wrote me a comment that there are people who, for whatever reason, cannot let go their former life or behaviour. I totally agree with him and I am probably the living example for it. I cannot let go and the question always coming up is if someone should let go ? Forget everything and start a new life. In this case chassidic.
There are definitely groups such as Chabad or Breslov where you can join and at the same time, don't have to forget about your former lifestyle. You don't just have to make a cut and that's it. Forget about your secular family and friends. Just associate with other Chassidim and tell anyone beyond society to bounce off.

There are times when I seriously want to give up everything but reality doesn’t let me do so. I know myself to well and I would not be able to let go certain things in my life. Things I do consider as important. Maybe you don't but I like watching movies, reading novels, talk to all kinds of people and go to the beach.
Of course, I could replace all of this and my list might sound trivial to you. Going to a mall and having a cup of coffee. Sitting in a cafe together with men and woman. No separation and an "only" Hechsher (kosher certificate) from the Rabbanut Yerushalaim. Or wasting time by watching a stupid Hollywood movie or having a beer. Well, at least I don't smoke.

Once I had a flatmate who gave up everything in her life in order to lead a chassidic life style. She still talked to her parents and visited them but sent a letter to her former class mates in which she officially told them to "F… off" (excuse my words !!!). The class mates were shocked but, at the same time thought, that she is nuts.

When I was facing one of my crises, it was my flatmate telling me that I should stop dealing with anything but chassidic. No more national religious let alone secular or, Chas ve'Chaliah, not Jewish. I knew that in a way she was right but thought that I couldn't do this. Just dump all the friends and look for the perfect chassidic ones. In a way this would be too boring. Behaving all the time and not being able telling certain sarcastic jokes. Many female Baalot Teshuva (newly religious) drive me nuts when they claim that everything is Lashon HaRah (gossip, idle talk). Sometimes you feel that you cannot say anything anymore because a woman stares at you and says "Lashon HaRah". One Chabadnikit even suggested that I should show all my blog articles to my rabbi before I publish them. I was ready to kill her.

And especially those are the moments when I run away because I need a free society. Besides all my movies and novels, I need tolerant people and cannot deal with this called "so holy women praying all the time and not speaking Lashon HaRah". Well, at least they consider themselves as so holy but when you look closer they are just the opposite.

Sometimes I am happy when I am close to Chassidim and Chassidut but sometimes I also need my distance and freedom. Let's suppose I became chassidic and moved into a certain neighbourhood. I couldn't bear people watching me all the time. Does she keep this, does she pray enough…..

I admit that I am far from being happy with the whole situation. In a way I am not here and there. On the other hand, there are times when I am glad that I am neither here nor there. Psychologists would call it fear of settling somewhere permanently. Maybe this is that case, but not only. I am a person who many times needs a change and being stuck in a close society where I am unable to express myself in whatever way is not for me. Or do you honestly think that I could continue writing on the Internet ? Maybe unanimously but not under a real name. What would my holy neighbours think ?

Now everyone of you is waiting for a solution. Seriously, I don't see a solution. Either I become chassidic or I continue my "far and close way". Either I make a move or I don't.
At the moment, however, I am not moving.