Sometimes

B"H

Sometimes I am not here and not there. I am neither in the religious nor in the secular world. If this is happening, I need to go away and be alone. Then, I am dealing with anything but not with religion. And I think that due to this behaviour, I am unable to become a member of a chassidic group. I am too introverted and unable to survive in a closed chassidic group.

In the past, I always thought that it is only me behaving this way. It is hard to go to other Haredim and tell them how you feel. Often they look at you and think that you are leaving religion. "Off - the - Derech (Leaving the path)" is the expression for that. Someone is religious but does break certain rules. And many people already consider small things as "Off - the - Derech". On the other hand, I am simple happy to take a break, relax and enjoy talking to people without all this "Baruch HaShem - May G - d be blessed".

I need my breaks and I do take them. Even if there are people who do refer to me as "Off - the - Derech". Doing something else doesn't mean escaping from religion or G - d. Unfortunately, haredi society interprets it this way and there is no change at sight. The minds are stuck. One has to make a Bitul and only do G - d's will. You don't count but His will. This is the reason why we were created. And sometimes I am so sick of it and just go somewhere else where I can be "normal".

Normal, but not "Off - the - Derech".