Revenge as a State of Emergency

B"H

Some Jewish - American blogs claim that dropouts like Gitty Grunwald are a sign that haredi society failed. But who exactly fails when someone decides to leave haredi society ? And by the way, I am also talking about the national religious society, as they do face the same problems.

Is the Jewish Orthodoxy not obligated to help all its members ? What happens when someone faces a crisis or is mentally completely down ? What if someone is having doubts about G - d and the world as a whole ? Is he the kicked out because he doesn't fit into the system anymore ?

I would like to share some private thoughts describing my own experiences. But please note that there are severe differences between dropouts who grew up in haredi society and Baalei Teshuva (those who joined later).

When I finally decided to leave haredi society, I always considered this step as temporarily. Even my return to Germany was supposed to be temporarily (which it was). The only thing I wanted was distance myself in order to get a clear mind and then decide how to go on.

The first difficulty dropouts are being confronted with is letting their environment know what is happening. Explain it to a society which regards anything like that as a catastrophe. For me, on the other hand, it was rather easy, as one morning, I just put on some pants. No more long skirts and having difficulties climbing on a bus.
Then what ? At that time I used to live in a more or less haredi building let alone neighbourhood. Already in the staircase one of our chassidic neighbours showed up. He was on the way taking his kids into kindergarden (Cheder) and to my great surprise, he greeted me with "Good Morning". He didn't say anything else but his kids couldn't stop starring at my pants.

On the bus I felt great. I looked at all the Haredim sitting there and was so glad not to be one of them anymore. A feeling of total freedom arouse.
In the Jewish Quarter in the Old City I met a young haredi woman I know. She looked at my me and her following reaction was one of the most surprising in my entire life. She only asked one question:
"Who hurt you ?"
And it was this question letting me almost burst out and faint. However, I pulled myself together and stumbled something I cannot even remember today.
But, who did hurt me ?
At that time, I had a weird flatemate who wanted to be more extreme than extreme and it was definitely partially her fault that I ended up with too many expectations. The main reasons, however, was me. I had jumped into religion too fast and my expectations weren't fulfilled either. Of course, I should have known but I was inexperienced and, to keep myself calm, started lying to myself.
In the end, my whole world crashed.

The reactions of my environment were surprising to me. The vast majority showed understanding and told me to take a break. Nevertheless, I should work on myself and come back to society later. Everyone agreed that becoming religious takes time and the worst mistake people do is rush into it.

My personal reaction was anger. Anger about everyone else, all the Haredim but the greatest anger I felt about myself. I wasn't able anymore seeing the Haredim sitting on the bus, studying Talmud and whispering the words in their special melody. At one Shabbat dinner at a rabbi's home I refused saying Birkat HaMazon (Grace after the Meal). I just couldn't look at any prayer book anymore let alone seeing others praying enthusiastically. I thought that once I was back in Germany, I would take revenge on the whole haredi society and publish all its negativity.

Even in Germany it took me a long time to get over it. But once you work and go back into the daily routine it starts getting better. The pain is getting less and less. What bothered me a lot was that I had no one to talk to. The local haredi rabbi was a failure, as he didn't know anything about society problems. What was left was the phone and the Internet. Friends and a Jerusalem rabbi (Chabad) helped me a lot and I never lost the connection.

Haredi society can be very odd sometimes. Maybe it has improved today but ten years ago, people didn't really knew how to deal with problems. I didn't have any doubts regarding religion but what I did was missing certain things from my former life. Mainly freedom. The way of thinking rather than non - kosher food.

Not many Haredim are willing to talk to a person with problems. As soon as they hear the word "crisis", they either change the subject or run as fast as they can. Otherwise, so they think, one could end up in the same emotional mess.

The only one I could talk to was a Chabad - Rabbi who helped a lot. Reality is that I wasn't able to solve my crisis in Germany. The only thing I did there was delaying everything. A solution can only be found in Jerusalem by facing the haredi world. Nevertheless, gaining some distance in Germany was positive.

And here we are with those born into haredi society:
They often face much less tolerance then I did, as expectations are much higher. Especially when your father is a rabbi. Those who are lucky get a social worker from the outside trying to work out a compromise between the child and his parents. Others, on the other hand, are being thrown out of the Yeshiva because there they are seen as "bad influence" to the others. Instead, they are given other tasks or sometimes just end up as a Shababnik (look religious but don't practice anything). In any case, it is better keeping problem cases within society than letting them end up on the street.

Let's get briefly get back to Gitty Grunwald:
She wasn't born into Satmar but already three years old when her mother joined. It would be much worse if she was born that way and if her father was a respected rabbi. She decided to get the media involved and let them take pictures which are anything but modest. Her way of revenge can only be destructive because thus, she is destroying her own personality. Gitty's reaction is an outcry. She wants attention and it wouldn't have been such a bad idea if Satmar had sent someone to talk to her about her problems. At least someone who had listened to her. After years of hiding and silence, a potential dropout feels like screaming it out. But when no one listens, it is hard to find an objective solution for oneself.

It is extremely important to find the source of the problem and work out a concept avoiding any further crises. How do I deal with it now and in the future ?
Only taking revenge doesn't help and only causes inner self - destruction. You should set up priorities and the most important priority should be YOU. Build up a new life and care about your future. Don't let revenge rule and prevent you from advancing in life.