Changing Clothes and Identity

B"H

The thing I desperately missed in my religious life was wearing pants. It is not important what kind of pants. Whether jeans or something else. I just knew that I was envying any woman wearing pants.

A Jewish religious woman (a Bat Israel) wears long skirts without asking any questions. This is the Halacha.
Approx. ten years ago the hippie style clothes and groups did not yet exist. Today it is very common for some women wearing long pants and a long skirt on top. No matter if others can see the pants underneath or not. The more freaky, the better.
It goes without saying that in haredi circles such clothing style is totally unaccepted. No haredi girl or woman would ever think of wearing pants and skirt together. The freaky style is worn by many Carlebachers and national religious.

Maybe my life would be different today if this clothing style had existed almost ten years ago. Maybe not, as I am not the hippie freak at all and don't like wearing pants and skirt together. It reminds me of people who don't know what they want in their lives. They want to be frum but not too much, and are not here or there. It is the same when married women wear pants and cover their hair. It just doesn't fit and looks weird.

As long as I was among women wearing skirts, I didn't realize that I miss something. But as soon as a woman in pants appeared, I became jealous. The first time was in Yeshiva. A newly religious girl came in and she still hadn't said "Goodbye" to her pants and her past. The whole time I thought about if I could do this, wearing pants for a while. In the end, I turned out to be a coward who rather continued to suffer through.

At least twice a month I went to see some secular friends in my old Kibbutz. There, I was free to do anything but don't think that I got wild. On the contrary, I stuck to religion except for the skirt. I felt that the more I distanced myself from the religious life, the more strange I felt among the secular environment. However, the pants were never strange to me and in my opinion, one can wear pants and be religious. Of course, the religious environment doesn't agree and only judges people from the outside:

"Pants ?"

"Oh, you are secular".

When people said out loud what they thought, I used to freak out but, in the meantime, it just amuses me. As soon as I speak to the religious, they know that I am one of them: "Oh, I would have never guessed because you don't look so", they say.

To my Yeshiva and haredi environment I could not do that; wearing pants. At least not in public. Sometimes I still did it but secretly. It didn't take too long until I knew all the public restrooms in downtown Jerusalem. Can you imagine how it is to live with the fear of being caught ?

I always said to myself that I am an adult and can make my own decisions. No one is going to tell me what to wear. However, those excuses didn't help much. I was too afraid and the feeling of guilt never left me alone.

When I was on my way to the Kibbutz, I changed my clothes before I got on the bus. The pants were ready for use in my backpack. I used to take the bus on Fridays at about lunch time and went to the Central Bus Station. The streets were too crowded and I couldn't get changed in a quiet corner. Even the restrooms were packed and I didn' t think that it is a good idea to walk in dressed in a skirt and leave in pants. Someone might think that I am a pervert.
I found the prefect solution in a haredi neighbourhood although there was the greates danger of seeing me as a pervert. I changed my clothes at a construction site. Quickly I hid behind a wall, ran into the new entrance of the building and got changed. After a while I was ready to win any dressing competition without any difficulties. Within a minute I changed the skirt into a pair of pants. No one ever found out; not even when I walked to the Central Bus Station.

When I walk through the same street today, I still think about crawling out of the skirt and putting on pants. Of course, the construction site is long gone and there is a building standing now. Many days during the weeks I actually do wear longs skirts. Especially on Shabbat and religious occasions. For two reasons I don't feel guilty anymore. Many times I still wear skirts and it is much more comfortable not to make a whole show. Despite wearing also pants, I do consider myself as religious.

Since I have been going to Mea Shearim and all the chassidic Tishes, something has changed again. I meet people and they start recognizing me in the streets. So far, it hasn't happen but what if women from Toldot Aharon, etc. see me in the street in pants ? It seems that I would still be totally embarrassed. Probably more than those women would be.