Running away from the Holy City

B"H

As I said many many times before, the most important goal in my life is the search back into haredi society. My biggest problem delaying my decisions and acting is my missing approach. Chassidic society demands a decision. Chassidim want to identify you. What are you now ? Are you Breslov, Satmar, Vishnitz, Zanz or what ? Who is your Rebbe ? Whose decrees and customs are you following ?

As I said many many times before, I am not the person making such a decision. Once I thought that I could do it with Satmar but today, I wouldn't even choose Satmar anymore. The quarrel between the two Rebbes bothers me too much.

As I mentioned many many times before, I once left haredi society due to a personal crises and after a short while of messing around, I have been searching for my way back. But there are certain things blocking me what, on the other hand, bothers me a lot. The worst part of all is to stand a kind of helpless around.

You might call it the Yetzer HaRah (evil side in us) which keeps on listing me all negative reasons possible. If you do this and that, you will end up in a new crises. Or simply speaking: "The haredi life is nothing for you. You have tried, very nice, but face reality and continue your old ways".

With the last argument I cannot live. In my opinion, one who has led a haredi life and then decides to be "less religious" is never going to forget his former life. Even before you eat you think about making a Beracha (blessing). You just cannot help it. Well, if you do eventually make a Beracha or not is up to you but admit that the Halacha of making a Beracha just jumps into your mind.

Some weeks ago, I decided to move from Jerusalem to Tel Aviv. Not really Tel Aviv but I would like to concentrate more on Bnei Brak. In Jerusalem, everything seems to be stuck. I always see the same people, go to the same classes, go to the same rabbis and don't have the feeling that anything is moving anymore. I would like to advance but feel that I cannot do so in Jerusalem.
Of course when you move to a new place there is the danger of first moving on and then being stuck again. That's life !
Wherever you are, you get adjusted and basically end up more or less the same. Life is not a Wild West show where everything is changing form one minute to the next. Maybe sometimes but not on a regular daily basis.

I think the biggest problem holding me back from haredi life is my former experience and the fear of making the same mistakes all over again. Not all of them but some remain which could end up negatively.

I am a creative person and need people around me who think. Not Mr. or Mrs. Nobel Price Winner but open minded intelligent people. And believe it or not, I found those davka more in Tel Aviv. The mind of most Jerusalemites seems to be stuck. If you don't do this or that in a certain way, you are an outsider. It is just like living in a village. As soon as you go to the city you feel free and tolerated. And Jerusalem is anything but tolerant.

In Tel Aviv I want to connect different ways of my own personality because I always suffer from the fear of loosing one of the aspects. I want to connect an intelligent open way of life and a haredi life.

Does this sound completely insane ?
Maybe. Nevertheless, I am still convinced that such a thing does exist.

I don't see it as living openly with a Yetzer. Why should I ?
Wasn't it G - d who created us with different characteristics.
And many of my characteristics don't really fit into a haredi way.
How about creativity in the haredi world ?
Maybe there is more today than there has been a few years ago. Things are changing and improving to the better.
But things are changing slowly and sometimes too slow.

This is why I feel the reason to move. Because I want to combine many things together.

I have no idea if I will succeed but the most positive and greatest part in life is always the try.
So, I keep on trying.