B"H
Just recently, I witnessed a very interesting scene and to tell the truth, I was glad not to be too much involved.
I was sitting together with a friend of mine and another woman was joining us. My friend and the other woman are both from New York. My friend has been visiting Jerusalem for some time and has started going to a litvishe program for Baalei Teshuva (Jews who become religious later on in their lives).
The other woman sitting down next to us was in the middle of her thirties, she is black, converted to Judaism and has been studying at the same institution as my friend for quite a while.
The black woman said to my friend that, as she is now studying at this litvishe institution, she should change clothes. Instead of pants or stylish New York clothes, she should start becoming a modest woman. Someone frum. Long skirts, long sleeves, stockings and a frum hairstyle - whatever that means. If my friend wouldn't do so soon, all the other frum litvishe girls would stare at her. And not only them, all frum people would just stare at her, and this wouldn't be too comfortable.
"If you want to get accepted, you need to change", the black woman said. And by the way, wearing pants is an Aveirah (sin) anyway. We are in the month of Elul and you should avoid doing Aveirot".
My friend just blew up on her and said: "I am sick and tired of you. You frummies just keep on telling me what do do. How to dress, how to behave, how to get accepted. I don't want to get accepted and I don't give a damn. I am only here for a few weeks and don't care what you guys tell me. Just leave me alone".
"Well, the black woman responded anxiously, if you don't change, people keep on staring and you. You are not in New York and Jerusalem is different. But if you are fine with not being accepted, well, I am just letting you know".
"Yes, I am very fine with it, my friend yelled. I am so sick of being told - wear this and that - , this is an Aveirah and that, don't touch a dog on Shabbat, don't say this because it is Lashon HaRah (idle gossip). I cannot tell you how you people are driving me nuts. I want to be myself and squeezing myself into some frum clothes and going like "nanana" is just not me. Don't you people get it ?"
My friend got more and more upset and so did the black woman.
The black woman was so anxious and I started feeling sorry for her. She almost cried when she told us that everyone is always staring at her, as if she doesn't belong to the Jews.
"Why, because you are black ?", my friend asked.
"Well, I could be Ethiopian, but Israelis realize that I am not. I don't look Ethiopian and thus people think that an American black person cannot be Jewish. They look at me as a stranger".
The black woman really wants to be part of the Jewish people; part of the frum society. And she does anything to satisfy all necessary demands. I told her that she does too much.
You cannot always do Mitzwot and think that other people pay attention and see how great you are. You are doing Mitzwot, so what ? Do them because you want to do them and because of G - d, and not for the neighbours.
After the black woman had left, my friend told me that such people really go on her nerves. Of course, you have to feel sorry for them, in a way. They think that once they show everyone that they are so great, all the Haredim are coming to embrace and accept them.
I told my friend that at the very beginning, I probably did the same. However, after a short while I was sick of running after recognition and just started doing my own thing. Keeping Mitzwot, yes, but for myself and not for my environment. I stopped running after acceptance. And since, my life has become much happier. Whoever accepts me can do so, and if not, well, I cannot change someone's mind. So, they don't accept me ? So, what ?
Shall I kill myself ?
I don't run after society and I couldn’t be around such kind of Baalei Teshuva meaning so well all the time. I am not talking about the black woman but in general. Many Baalei Teshuva come up to you and let you know how you should think and do this and that. Everyone means soooo well and they don't realize how much they go on the nerves of others.
____________________________
To be continued !
As there is no end to the problem.
Monday, September 22, 2008
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As you can tell by now, I read your blog daily and discuss what you write about with friends. It sometimes gives me anxiety because you lately have been writing a lot about negative aspects of Haredi life and how impossible it is to be accepted. So i wrote to a Rabbi in Israel in hopes he could clear the air for me. His quote made me smile as it reaffirmed what i have been saying the whole time and it should be relayed to the people you write about who always have "problems"
ReplyDelete"People's attitude toward you doesn't depend on Ger or BT or not - it depends on whether you are a talmid chacham and yerai shamayim or not. Some complainers blame their troubles on others, when they themselves are at fault. It's all up to you"
Granted there are of course people that are against Ger and BTs but i don't think this is an accurate portrayal of all Haredi Society.
Lets hear some positives!
B"H
ReplyDeleteIt seems like you got the whole subject wrong. My intention is not to talk bad about Baalei Teshuva and only jump onto their problems.
My intention is to describe Israeli daily life. Withing the past past years, I spoke to hundreds of BTs as well as to born Haredim. The issue is very well known in Israel and there are many studies about it.
But, as you said, not everything is negative and I am not claiming that it is negative. I am rather describing daily events I witness.
However, my intention is not to change society, as it cannot be changed.
Once you live in Israel for a few years, you may understand the point I am making.
Everyone means soooo well and they don't realize how much they go on the nerves of others.
ReplyDeleteI'm not so sure. As a former BT myself, I can attest to the "holier-than-thou" attitude I displayed, annoying my friends/family to no end. And then I started recognizing it in other BT's. In time, as the BT becomes more comfortable with his/her choice to be religious (and the lifestyle), they stop projecting their OWN discomfort onto others.
Show me a religious Jew who's pushy and defensive, and I'll bet you, 9x's out of 10, they're struggling with their own choices/observance.
I fully understand your subject. Maybe Im not explaining myself along the same line. I dont think you are putting down B.T.s at all. You are giving over the daily life of Baal Teshuva and it seems they all have trouble. It confuses me because everyone I know in Israel that is a B.T. lives the haredi life with children in cheder, go to a frum shul and are all very much frum. I was so accepted in Bnei Brak I was completely shocked. They wanted me address and said that we must come visit again.
ReplyDeleteMy wife and I are frum but we dont speak yiddish or hebrew and even with that (which is something i consider a flaw for someone becoming Haredi and if you dont fix that problem you can never be accepted) Even with that they were all so warm towards us. Not one person was negative towards me, except this young kid but kids will be kids.
Please if you can get me those studies. Its not that I disagree with your dont believe you. I just need more information about what you claim is going on because if its really all true across the board then this is why Moshiach cant come.
If this is how society is then after Kollel I dont think I want to live there but I believe what the Rabbi told me.
In regards to your post about this girl. Its not about "Conforming" Its about following the Torah. If you dont want to follow the Torah to its key and be machmar then you dont have to. Just go find a Modern Orthodox or Conservadox community. I myself barely know anything in the sceme of Torah and even with that I could never go back.
I dont think your blog is all negative or I wouldnt read it. I just think that there doesnt seem to be much positive hope for a B.T. to become lets say a Chasid of Boyan or Ger or Belz
I pray to G-d this is not the case and will have to wait to try it myself.
B"H
ReplyDelete@Avrum
Definitely not every BT is the same and everyone of them lives in a different environment, has a different background or a different way how to deal with things.
On my way down to the Kotel, I have heard many times young Yeshiva guys, I suppose from Aish or Ohr Sameach, discussing Gemarot or Halachot concerning their personal lives. Many of the guys were more lenient, the others were more stringent. And thus, I overheard many conversations or disputes. Not to say fights.
Halachic arguments not real ones.
I am not a psychologist and I cannot even describe all the different BT situations I have faced within the past 12 years, but some people know how to deal with it much easier than others. The main problem seems to be that as a relatively new BT, I tend to put lots of pressure onto myself. Not the others do that but me.
And the pressure I am putting on myself are reflected by others. Suddenly I see my mistakes in others or have the urge to correct others because I don't want to be like that.
Well, Belz has its own study centers for BTs and I know one family who became Belz.
I think that Belz is open although, as a BT, you wouldn't get into certain higher positions within the group.
Boyan ?
When I speak to the Boyaner Chassid I know - First of all, he was very open. According to him, there were problems with BT in the group and now the Boyaner are more than skeptical.
I think that you should be a BT for quite a few years until you decide becoming a member of such a group. As a new BT, you still sometimes live in too much enthusiasm and sometimes in a dream world.
Being in a chassidic group has nothing to do with a dream world.
I think that first, one needs to get settled and find his place.
However, the family I know who became Belz switched to Avraham Yitzchak in the meantime. They said that the A.Y. are a small group and the Rebbe has time for his members. They were made feel very comfortable and they were welcomed very nicely.
Not that Belz is the opposite but as a Belzer, you hardly have a chance of seeing the Rebbe. There are just too many people standing already in line.:-)
B"H
ReplyDelete@Long Beach Chassid
Maybe we both don't understand each other.:-)))
I am not saying that every single BT has a depressed life and is not accepted. But sometimes you have to differentiate between really living in such a neighbourhood or being involved and just getting invited.
Life is different when you live among certain people permanently.
And then you maybe feel tiny little hints making you sometimes fell uncomfortable.
Everyone deals differently with that and not everyone experiences it. Some do but don't talk about it and try to overlook it.
People are people and Torah is Torah. Most born Haredim I spoke to have no problem to admit that BTs or converts are not on the same level within their group or society. And here I am talking mainly about the Shidduchim subject.
You can say that Avraham was a convert, Moshe married a stranger, the sons of Yaakov married who knows who. Yehoshua married a prostitute, etc.
Society today is different and I don't know how to explain it any further. The best way is always to strengthen oneself and walking in G- d's way. And especially not to pay too much attention about other people's opinion.
I will get some of the studies and I would like to write something more about my former flatmate. I just hope she doesn't read my blogs.
B"H
ReplyDelete@Long Beach Chassid
I forgot to answer some statements in your last comment. Unfortunately, we had another terror attack in Jerusalem last night and I passed by when the police were still active taking the injured to hospital. So, my mind is a little messed up today.
Regarding the article:
The black woman who gave some rebuke to my friend seems to be very depressed about her situation. Israelis can be very rassist and I am not talking about religious or secular. If you look different like Asian or someone is black, you can expect some negative remarks.
So, she converted and people in Israel can see that she apparently did, as there are not too many black Jewish Americans. And when Israelis are able to see from far away that someone converted, well, it is not always too pleasant. They may think and say it out loud that you just converted in order to leave you old country and receive all the Aliyah benefits from the State of Israel. This is how many people here think. Not to mean bad but more from experience that there are faked cases.
So, the woman is being stared at and she takes it far too seriously. However, she still thinks that she can fix it by showing her "perfection". In my opinion, she should rather accept her status and continue the best way she can instead of running after all this acceptance business.
My friend is orthodox but very modern. She doesn't care about acceptance and doesn't want to be part of haredi society.
So, both of them had an argument and the black lady with her strive for acceptance went on her nerves. Not everybody is willing to give up his or her own personality in order to eventually find satisfaction from acceptance.
The more normal you behave, the more you finally do get accepted. And you know who is rebukin most ?
The BTs among each other.
This is, at least, my experience. Born Haredim always told me "Take it slowly, slow down", while other BTs couldn't stop rushing.
Of course, not everyone is like that but still many !