The "Teshuva Pressure"

B"H

For all those who, like me, need a second chance:

With the beginning of the month of Elul, we already start thinking about the speedily approaching holiday of Rosh HaShana; and as soon as the Jewish New Year is over, we think about the next holiday Yom Kippur.

Both holidays have to do with "Teshuva - Repentance".
G - d is judging the whole world and humankind on Rosh HaShana. Ten days later, on Yom Kippur, He is sealing His judgment of the Jewish People. Some chassidic sources claim that we Jews still have time until Chanukkah and only then, everything will be final.

Especially from Elul and in the following month of Tishrei, Teshuva is THE most important concern. How is G - d going to judge me ? Favourably or rather stringent ? Does my Teshuva really help and how should the perfect Teshuva look like ?

Many Jews do anything before those two important holidays. They try doing their best in order to reach the most suitable Teshuva and thus G - d's most positive judgment. But what happens if you honestly try doing your best but everything seems to go down the drain ?

Exactly this way I felt last Rosh HaShana and at the moment, I don't even think about Yom Kippur.

First of all, I missed all Selichot prayers. I know that my reason may sound ridiculous to some people but, nevertheless, I still announce it: I couldn't find any time.

When I do something, I try to do it perfect and according to my opinion, Selichot - prayers should be said at the Kotel (Western Wall). Especially when someone, as I do, lives in Jerusalem. For some reason, I never made it to the Kotel. Either I was working until late or simply too tired.

Then I promised myself to give my utmost at the Synagogue service on the holiday itself. In my eyes I failed because already during the "Shema" I was half asleep. Usually I don't notice how tired or exhausted I am but as soon as I sit down for a day or two and do nothing but praying and eating, I fall asleep. My whole Synagogue service was mostly falling asleep but I hadn't given up hope. During the Chazan's repetition of the "Shemonah Ezrei - prayer", the at Neve Yerushalaim teaching Rabbi, Rabbi Yaakov Marcus, offered an alternative class and I participated. I cannot tell you anything else but I just slept through the Shiur.

I started getting depressed. Everyone around me seemed to be so full of Teshuva, prayer, Kavanah (intention), anything, and I felt like I was just loosing it. I just felt groggy but was unable to improve my situation.

I went to Rabbi Mordechai Machlis for lunch and also almost fell asleep. And the Machlises offered so much unbelievable tasty food that I got really tired afterwards. I was taking into consideration to go to bed and just sleep. Be ready for the second day, as the first was a mess. However, I went back to the Machlises for dinner and there I spoke to my friend Sarah Shirel. And it was her who cheered me up. "Sometimes G - d gives us certain signs and we shouldn't ignore them. Wasn't my constantly being tired a sign that I work too much ? Why not cutting down hours and instead enjoying life or do something else ? And are those people praying and doing Teshuva nonstop really that holy ? Doesn't cause successful prayer or repentance arrogance ? How many people are so sure that they did so much and thus G - d has to judge them favourably ? What about all the others who didn't succeed but were planning to ?"

When Sarah Shirel gave me her opinion I seriously started thinking and began viewing my situation from a different point of view. Why not accepting that I was weak and not too fit ? Is G - d going to punish me now ?

Rabbi Marcus gave an easy understandable explanation of what Rosh HaShana is really all about:

We decide if we get closer to G - d or if we move further away from Him.

I always decide to get closer but somehow hardly succeed in doing it the proper halachic way. At least not in the "constantly prayer way". However, I think that too many of us hear about the holidays and doing Teshuva and immediately start making too many efforts. If not efforts, at least start feeling guilty about not making them.



Is there a real "Teshuva - Superman" ? Or should we rather admit our weaknesses ?

Maybe we should take everything a little easier and thus not destroying ourselves and the joy of serving G - d. Simply avoid forcing and permanently putting pressure upon ourselves. If we do so, we still have a great, successful and spiritual Rosh HaShana without causing ourselves any kind of depression. And G - d doesn't expect us to be so terribly perfect but rather wants some honest feelings coming from our hearts.