Shidduch Experience

B"H

Vocabulary: "Shidduch - Jewish religious blind date arranged in order to find a spouse".

In my entire life, I have only been to two Shidduchim and both ended without any success. When I met my first Shidduch, I didn't even have an idea that this meeting is called "Shidduch" and that the final goal is to get married. I had just entered the Jewish religious world and knew hardly anything. Then this guy sat next to me at a Shabbat table and I didn't even acknowledge him. He was just there and a simply person, I could pass on all the food trays.
At the end of the meal, however, he asked me for my phone number and I gave it to him. He further asked if we could go out for a cup of coffee one day. So, why not, I thought. I am going out with many different people for coffee and had no thought about ending up getting married.

Shortly after the guy really called and we met near Ben Yehudah. We sat in a Cafe and the entire time he talked about his photo camera. By the way, he was a photographer. Don't get any bad thoughts, as he was a religious photographer.

I tried to listen to his camera issues but almost fell asleep. Can you imagine the kind of relationship ? One bores his partner to death.
In the end, he didn't even want to pay for my tiny cup of coffee, as he didn't really have the money. He wasn't that what you would call a successful photographer but maybe on the way. Now he is back in New York, so I heard.

My second Shidduch was right after my Aliyah nine years ago. I met an Israeli national religious guy (you hardly saw the tiny Kipa on his head) who was a former student of the Hebron Yeshiva. Afterwards he got a little off - the - derech (or more religious "light") and some people thought that we would fit each other.

We were scheduled to meet in the evening, near where I had met the first guy years before. First, he shook my hand and this surprised me. I was disappointed although I am not Shomeret Negiah. However, from a Hebron Yeshiva student I had expected more. Even if he went a little astray.

We went to a restaurant and while I was going through the menu, he looked concerned. I had announced that I was really hungry because I hadn't eaten all day.

Don't think that I was one of those parasites who come to a meeting, eat as much as they can, tell the Shidduch "Have a nice day" and let him pay.
No, I was hungry and intended to pay for whatever food myself but the guy didn't know that.

What I also didn't know was that a Shidduch moves in certain stages. There are rules and I totally broke them. Today I can say that I would break them again because I am following my Yetzer (negative side) when I am hungry. I am very much attached to food, try to keep myself slim but cannot stop when I look at an interesting menu.

The common Shidduch rules are that, at the first meeting, you only talk for a little while. Having a cup of coffee is allowed but you don't eat. Food only comes into the picture later when you have already met three or four times. Me ordering something to eat may have given the impression that I was just jumping on him. Nevertheless, he shook my hand and shouldn't have been so picky.

I don't remember what exactly I ate but it was a big plate full of something. We didn't really have anything to talk about and I was bored again. No chemistry, no nothing. His e - mails had been far more exciting. On the other hand, I didn't want someone this light religious with a tiny Kipa, grabbing hands and not sure about what he wants in life. I am having these problems myself and don't need a second person not knowing what to do with himself religiously.

When each of us went home, we knew that we wouldn't meet again. It was obvious and there was no need for saying it out loud.
I just felt like yelling at those people setting me up with him. I had a good meal (I really did pay for it) but besides, it was a boring environment.

Personally, I don't believe in Shidduchim for many reasons. One is that people are too nervous, sometimes make mistakes and thus causing the wrong impression. Both sides are too busy making the best impression and this way, you won't get to know the person.

Nevertheless, there are people who succeeded this way and I wish them all the best.