Catastrophes in the Morning

B"H

A few times I have already written about it and some time ago I even published something concerning the matter on the blog of "A Simple Jew". 

I do consider myself as Orthodox although I am not perfect (who is after all ?) and wear pants. While I was still joining a litvish seminary in Jerusalem some years ago, I wore skirts (of course) but missed my pants from "the old days". While walking through the streets of Jerusalem I envied any woman wearing pants. When I went away for Shabbat, mostly to my friend from my Kibbutz Ulpan days, I changed clothes. My skirt became a pair of jeans and I was happy. The same person but I felt more comfortable and just better. Freedom but not leaving the religious path.

I was always afraid that someone from the seminary would catch me. Sometimes I only changed clothes as soon as I arrived at my friend's who then lived near Rehovot. However, it happened that I changed my clothes even before. In staircases near the seminary I was studying. Actually I was lucky that no one caught me in the staircase changing my skirt into pants because it would have been hard explaining that I am not a pervert but studying at a seminary.

After all I a kind of left haredi society and if I am now on my way back - well, I don't know. Sometimes yes and sometimes not. I was glad that I kept my friends in Mea Shearim although I am not like "that" anymore. They, on the other hand, are aware of the fact that I am different but still see me somewhere on the path. At least on the modest path. 

I don't know if any of them has ever thought about me not being like on Shabbat when I come to their houses. They probably did but never let me know. 

I didn't intend to make a religious frummy show but we never got to the subject of how my life looks like during the week. This morning I was sitting with my usual cup of coffee next to our bakery window. Suddenly I see a haredi woman passing and I thought that I would know her. She looked at me but didn't give any sign of knowing me. I wasn't sure but it could have been one of the daughters of a Mea Shearim family I know. Nevertheless, I told myself that it cannot be her because she has nothing to do in the Nachlaoth area that early in the morning. On the other hand, it could have been her. If so, she saw me sitting there in pants.

Afterwards I was walking down Shilo Street in Nachlaoth and thought and thought if it was her or not. If yes, could I ever show up again at my friends ? I probably could but they would be disappointed because they had expected more from me.

While I was walking a litvishe guy passed me. I have seen this guy at exactly the same family and was just thinking about their daughter having seen me. The guy looks at me, says nothing and continued walking.  Even if it was not the daughter of the family, the guy will definitely tell my friends that he saw me. 

Well, you caused the situation yourself because you wear pants - People may say this now and they are right. However, I don't make shows but still feel uncomfortable by thinking about my friends and them being disappointed. 

This is how the day began and it can just become better.