Female Converts and their elderly male Shidduchim

Seen in Bnei Brak

Photo: Miriam Woelke

B"H

Friends of mine, no matter if female converts to Judaism or Ba'alot Teshuva, were always facing one problem when it came to the SHIDDUCH subject: The Shadchanit (match maker) told them about their chances "on the marriage market" and, many times, they weren't that great. My friends ran to all kinds of Shidduch meetings and plenty of times they came back and told me that the guy they had just met was 20 - 30 years older than them. A 30 - year - old woman looking for a Shidduch found herself meeting a guy who was 54 years old.

"Why did the Shadchanit put me together with a guy who is divorced, old and can hardly move ?"

I have heard these kind of complaints many various times.

Here is a still young woman who has just converted or became frum and the Shadchanit is first of all trying to get rid of her "looser cases". Guys who, so far, weren't able to find a match. Either because they have been divorced more than once, are in deep dire straits, handicapped or mentally ill. Years ago I heard about a younger Israeli Ba'al Teshuva woman who married a widower with ten children (his wife had died).

I find this a kind of unfair but the Shadchanit usually says that "one has to get to know the guy and then women may change their minds and go for it".

A little more than half a year ago, I met a couple in Zfat and the meeting was quite shocking to me. The couple spoke German but didn't know that I know the language as well. When we communicated with each other, we spoke in English. First, we didn't know that we have another common language and secondly, I don't like speaking German.

The first time I saw them was at a Shiur where the husband introduced himself as a school director of a religious school in a German speaking country in Europe. I knew he was lying because the way he said it just wasn't right. He was Israeli but spoke German with an accent. Moreover, he was at least 50 years old. If not in the middle of his 50ies.

His wife was maybe 24 but not older. I am sure she had converted to Judaism and afterwards received him as a Shidduch. The Rabbi giving the Shiur was a bit stunned and I assume that he thought that father and daughter had come to the Shiur. Instead the couple turned out to be husband and wife.

Later on, the couple was sitting somewhere nearby and while I was busy with my laptop. The young wife started telling her husband to look for a job. To do something in his life and not just hang around. They needed to pay bills, she wanted children and what does the husband do ? Nothing but doing his Breslover Baal Teshuva Tikkunim.

In the end, the wife threatened to leave him and although I didn't want to listen to all this, you automatically do when you understand the language.

I was just surprised that this very young German woman had agreed to marry this much older Breslover Chassid. He probably thought that he can push her around and tell her what do to. In a way he did so but she was very determined and refused to agree to everything he said.

She definitely wanted to be frum but I was asking myself whether she doesn't get the wrong impression while being married to a guy who didn't intend to change but told everyone how great and successful he was. He did so in Hebrew and his wife only understood German and English. Therefore he was able to get away with his lies.

The couple didn't have much money and only stayed in Zfat for another two days or so. They were planning to go to Jerusalem, sleep somewhere for free and then return to their German speaking country in Europe.

I felt sorry for this extremely young woman who may have deserved a younger, more energetic husband. Maybe the woman is happy but I am having my doubts if a young woman should marry an elderly Shidduch.