Monday, August 16, 2010

Soul Reflections


Years ago, I participated in the 1,5 day lasting "Discovery Programme" run by Yeshivat AISH HATORAH in the Old City of Jerusalem. After the programme had ended, all participants sat together and we discussed our feelings and what we had gained from learning about Jewish identity and if there is a G - d. Before finishing up, we were told to write a letter to ourselves. Write what we feel and what we think how we would or should be in the future. The plan was that AISH would send our letter to us one or two years later.

And so it was. I received the letter addressed to myself. I actually forgot what it said but I do remember that I was shocked.
The same happened to me last Shabbat when I participated in the Shabbat programme of the Chabad Hostel "Ascent" in Safed (northern Israel).

Almost at the same time when I participated in the Discovery programme, I started learning, or in other words "Doing my first chassidic steps", in Chabad. However, in what I am trying to express, Chabad is irrelevant and it could have been any other chassidic group. When I did these first steps towards chassidic or haredi Judaism, I did have some goals I wanted to reach. In the end, not too much worked out, I left, came back, left, came back. This chain continues until today.

In the meantime I had forgotten about my first principles, had met other people, life had changed. As soon as I listened to the first lecture at Ascent run by Rabbi Shaul Leiter, everything came back to me. A soul reflection from the past. From my first goals and then I started looking at me today. In what kind of environment I live, what kind of people I know. Then again, I was shocked because it is not what I wanted.
Well, things change but for me, nothing has changed because my former goals were not just wishful thinking or some kind of imagination. When I listened to Rabbi Leiter's lecture I felt that my former goals are actually what I really want. Where I want to be.
It was a "Deja Vu" from the past which isn't just a past but in my mind and soul. This is where I see myself and now what ?
I am going to make some severe changes in my life. Especially looking for people I can connect to and who understand what I am talking about and not wasting time with artificial talks. Furthermore, I am going to change the place of living.

It is not just a mood but suddenly I feel like the person I really wanted to be and keep on trying to reach the goal. We are now in the month of ELUL, the best time for changes and searching for one's inner essence. 

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