Restless Life

B”H

My restless life would be the result of my own inability of decision making. Someone from Mea Shearim told me so last week. “You are not here and you are not there. Therefore you will always continue running around until you finally make up your mind”. The woman saying this to me refrained from saying “You belong back into the haredi world” but this is what she meant.

Tel Aviv would be the wrong place for me anyway and if I have to choose between secular, haredi or something inbetween, I should do so in Jerusalem. 

Jerusalem’s Haredim consider Tel Aviv as modern Sodom and Gomorrha. There are chassidic groups, such a the Toldot Aharon, which don’t allow their members to come here. Haredim from Bnei Brak are a little different, as they are facing the nearby city of Tel Aviv much more often. At least the adults and not necessarily the children.

As if all my problems would be immediately solved if I returned into haredi society. Moving back to Jerusalem, getting a nutty Shidduch, learning how to make Gefilte and shut up. Pray, keep Mitzvot and “HaShem Ya’azor”.

What I didn’t tell her was that I am comfortable in both societies: In Tel Aviv and in the haredi world. However, there are limits and, many times, it comes to the point where I have to escape from one world and run to the next. There are things bothering me in both worlds and I admit that I am leading a restless life which sometimes may be destructive.

What I did answer the woman was that maybe it is my Tikun living in both worlds. Neither Mea Shearim nor Bnei Brak are my world because I am simply not a person following a Rebbe or any kind of Rabbi. Someone once told me that I don’t have this “sheep character” but my own thoughts and ideas. I wish I could be like those haredi women but I am not. My problem is not this particular decision but rather get rid of those thoughts and continue in life. For the time being, I am still busying myself with finding an answer why other people in haredi society succeed and I don't. But maybe G - d sees me somewhere else and thus doesn't let me succeed.